“I'm getting pretty good at masturbating”

“You will be betrayed this week, time and time again, by your own ch'i.”

“Behold the Power and the Glory of the Scientific Method!”

“Sportswriters are all geniuses.”

“Dear Die-ary, today I learned that on the inside I'm pretty fucking ugly.”

“I'm rockin' in my school shoes ... because it's all good!”

“some people might argue that a fan who roots for a losing franchise isn't a very smart fan, but you have to be pretty crafty in the head to continually enjoy cubs baseball. who do you think is smarter? the Yankees fan who can't be happy just getting to the World Series? or the Cubs fan, who can somehow manage to have the best summer of his life watching his team finish 17 games out of first place”