“It’s no more dangerous to society than a radio broadcast of The War of the Worlds.”

“We are a society that constantly celebrates no one but women and it must stop! I want to hear what the men of the world have been up to. What fun new guns have they invented? What are they raping these days? What’s Michael Bay’s next film going to be?”

“Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.”

“The show doesn’t go on because it’s ready; it goes on because it’s 11:30.”

“Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.”

“It’s a burden, being able to control situations with my hyper-vigilance, but it’s my lot in life.”

“Photoshop is just like makeup. When it’s done well it looks great, and when it’s overdone you look like a crazy asshole.”