“...you can almost hear people’s b-holes tighten. A collective cartoon-mouse squeak of b-hole.”

“When I was a kid there was a TV interstitial during Saturday morning cartoons with a song that went like this: "The most important person in the whole wide world is you, and you hardly even know you. / You're the most important person!" Is this not the absolute worst thing you could instill in a child? They're the most important person? In the world? That's what they already think. You need to teach them the opposite.”

“Seriously, I've just realized that almost everyone is a fraud, so I try not to feel too bad about it.”

“You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.”

“You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last possible second, and then you have to let it go.”

“Now go to bed, you crazy night owl! You have to be at NASA early in the morning. So they can look for your penis with the Hubble telescope.”

“Tracy: Stop eating people's old french fries, little pigeon. Have some self-respect. Don't you know you can fly?”