“You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it.”

“The best way to keep your daughter out of hot water is to put some dishes in it.”

“You need to look hot now that you've got three guys giving you the eye.""Three?""Sweet blue-eyed blond trapper... Muscled blond trapper number two, who buys you cards... And that gorgeous, 'Where have you been all my life' dude with the raven-black hair and dark eyes.”

“Grandma was wearing a blond Marilyn Monroe wig, a hot pink tank top, black Pilates pants, and black kitten heels. She looked like the senior version of an inflatable sex toy doll that needed more air.”

“I admitted. If I was going to hallucinate, then at least it was some hot dude instead of something gross.”

“It could have been possible to put a little more fuck you into his tone, but some of it might've slopped out the sides.”