“Just when you’ve squared up to the solemn realisation that life is a bitch, it turns round and does something nice, just to confuse you. - Emily Spitzer, The Better Mousetrap”

“Let me explain something to you. When you’ve made a woman mad by spying on her, you don’t fix it by telling her she has a nice backside. That’ll just get you bitch-slapped. (Jesse)”

“Are they real fires? Or are people just reacting to something? Just because there’s an alarm going doesn’t mean it’s a fire. And I think that people are confusing the two. It’s only a fire when it offends the fans, and the fans turn on you. Tosh has fans, and they get the joke. If you’ve watched enough Tracy Morgan, you let the worst thing go by. When did Tracy Morgan become Walter Cronkite? You have to mean something to me to offend me. You can’t break up with me if we don’t date.”

“Just when you think life is a bitch, it has puppies.”

“Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse.”

“Leo turned to me, his upper lip curved in that way it does when he's confused. "What exactly is your problem? You broke it off with me, remember?"The bitch wasn't backing down. Now she had control of my hands. She wagged a finger at Leo. "And you just couldn't wait to climb aboard that silicone-stuffed herpes ride, could you?”