“If the hoods don't get you, the monoxide will.”

“Life is like a sewer - you get out of it what you put into it.”

“Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it.”

“The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines...I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirize George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporize them. And that's not funny....OK, well, if I say that, I might get a shock laugh, but it's not really satire.”

“I am never forget the day I first meet the great Lobachevsky.In one word he told me secret of success in mathematics:Plagiarize!Plagiarize!Let no one else's work evade your eyes!Remember why the good Lord made your eyes!So don't shade your eyes,But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize -Only be sure always to call it please 'research'."[Lobachevsky]”

“On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.”

“All books can be indecent booksThough recent books are bolder,For filth, I'm glad to say, is inThe mind of the beholder.When correctly viewed,Everything is lewd.I could tell you things about Peter PanAnd the Wizard of Oz, there's a dirty old man...”