“On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.”

“The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines...I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirize George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporize them. And that's not funny....OK, well, if I say that, I might get a shock laugh, but it's not really satire.”

“Life is like a sewer - you get out of it what you put into it.”

“All books can be indecent booksThough recent books are bolder,For filth, I'm glad to say, is inThe mind of the beholder.When correctly viewed,Everything is lewd.I could tell you things about Peter PanAnd the Wizard of Oz, there's a dirty old man...”

“If after hearing my songs just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or perhaps to strike a loved one it will all have been worth the while.”

“It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year.”

“Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it.”