“5:15 I have never put makeup on. It's hard. "You assholes are crowding my mirror space. Gimme some room, I keep smearing my blush." Everyone's glares at me. I feel like a gay homosexual.”

“5:16 I shotgun two beers, piss out the bedroom window, catcall passing girls, burp violently, put cage fighting on tv, play with myself. I feel manly again.”

“I could never kill myself. What if it doesn't work. Then I'll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?”

“I take a lull from my CamelBak and choke at its potency. It tastes like bad decisions. It's perfect.”

“credit, youre jewish, your best friend is black, and your girlfriend is a cheating whore. Even if I wore gay, I'd still have it better than you.”

“I hadn't realized how supremely shit-housed I was until we stumbled into our room at the Embassy Suites. You ever been so drunk you forgot that you have to shit until the last minute? Well I was at that stage. I nearly had my pants completely off when SlingBlade snaked past me and got into the toilet first. Fine, I go get out of my bar clothes and change into a t-shirt and pink Gap boxers to sleep in. I wait patiently for about three minutes, then I start pounding on the door, screaming at him that I am going to shit on his bed if he doesn't get out of there.A short time later he opens the door laughing his ass off, and says, "That was perhaps the most prodigious shit ever. I just put that toilet into therapy."I take a gander into the bathroom. It looks like Revelations. The toilet is overflowing, brown shit water is spilling out all over the bathroom floor, and the tank is making demonic gurgling noises.THE MOTHERFUCKER CLOGGED UP A HOTEL TOILET!Hotel toilets are industrial size; they are designed to be able to accommodate repeated elephant-sized shits, and their ram-jet engine flushes generate enough force to suck down a human infant, yet skinny ass 170-pound SlingBlade completely killed ours.”

“This may come as a shock to some of you, but I have a slightly volatile personality. I don’t suffer fools well.”