“5:16 I shotgun two beers, piss out the bedroom window, catcall passing girls, burp violently, put cage fighting on tv, play with myself. I feel manly again.”

“5:15 I have never put makeup on. It's hard. "You assholes are crowding my mirror space. Gimme some room, I keep smearing my blush." Everyone's glares at me. I feel like a gay homosexual.”

“I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off.”

“Two girls called me closed minded. I tell them that they are so open-minded their brains leaked out.”

“FUCK. This is not good. I'm allergic to whiskey. I think maybe I should explain this to her, and request a different alcohol. Then I remember that I am awesome. Even fighting through anaphylactic shock, I can STILL bury this emotionally unstable, bulimic undergrad.”

“Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me"Tucker: "I don't understand the question.”

“I feel like taking her money AND her soul is not cool. One or the other.”