“FUCK. This is not good. I'm allergic to whiskey. I think maybe I should explain this to her, and request a different alcohol. Then I remember that I am awesome. Even fighting through anaphylactic shock, I can STILL bury this emotionally unstable, bulimic undergrad.”

“This may come as a shock to some of you, but I have a slightly volatile personality. I don’t suffer fools well.”

“FK THAT. I AM TUCKER MAX. I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU.”

“credit, youre jewish, your best friend is black, and your girlfriend is a cheating whore. Even if I wore gay, I'd still have it better than you.”

“5:16 I shotgun two beers, piss out the bedroom window, catcall passing girls, burp violently, put cage fighting on tv, play with myself. I feel manly again.”

“Look, I know everything is shitty right now, but if you don't stop acting like such a bitch, someones gonna fuck that pussy on your face.”

“I feel like taking her money AND her soul is not cool. One or the other.”