“I feel like taking her money AND her soul is not cool. One or the other.”

“His first question shows how well he knows me: TheRoommate: "Did you take any money out of her purse?”

“Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.”

“I take a lull from my CamelBak and choke at its potency. It tastes like bad decisions. It's perfect.”

“She is trying to convince me that she never does this and is not that type of girl. It was difficult for me to understand. Her enunciation wasn’t very good with my dick in her mouth.”

“FUCK. This is not good. I'm allergic to whiskey. I think maybe I should explain this to her, and request a different alcohol. Then I remember that I am awesome. Even fighting through anaphylactic shock, I can STILL bury this emotionally unstable, bulimic undergrad.”

“5:15 I have never put makeup on. It's hard. "You assholes are crowding my mirror space. Gimme some room, I keep smearing my blush." Everyone's glares at me. I feel like a gay homosexual.”