“... If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.”

“FK THAT. I AM TUCKER MAX. I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU.”

“Gotta love alcohol and sex hormones.”

“credit, youre jewish, your best friend is black, and your girlfriend is a cheating whore. Even if I wore gay, I'd still have it better than you.”

“Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me"Tucker: "I don't understand the question.”

“Two girls called me closed minded. I tell them that they are so open-minded their brains leaked out.”

“People, heed my warning: That stuff is Specials Olympics in a pint glass. You think they are harmless and not very strong, and the next thing you know it is an hour later and you are in the bathroom of the bar with your pants off, surrounded by five girls, giving your boxers to a bachelorette party because one of the girls is cute and told you that you had a nice butt. Be forewarned. - from the Austin Road Trip story”