“Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me"Tucker: "I don't understand the question.”

“My favorite random email I got was from some guy who wrote: "Mr. Max, with the hope of a six year old on the night before Christmas asking about Santa, I ask the same question: Do you really exist?”

“FK THAT. I AM TUCKER MAX. I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU.”

“She is trying to convince me that she never does this and is not that type of girl. It was difficult for me to understand. Her enunciation wasn’t very good with my dick in her mouth.”

“See, what you're talking about is why hanging out with ME would be fun for YOU. It doesn't explain anything about why it'd be fun for ME. You don't bring banter. You aren't witty. You aren't funny. There is nothing to pick from your brain. You're looking for me to entertain you. A relationship is an exchange, not a one-way street. Look beyond your own personal desires for a second and understand what you bring to the exchange- nothing.”

“Two girls called me closed minded. I tell them that they are so open-minded their brains leaked out.”

“His first question shows how well he knows me: TheRoommate: "Did you take any money out of her purse?”