“Trying to make someone love you is like trying to climb uphill during an avalanche.”

“I tried to make my husband make his daughter like me. After ten years of failed attempts, I decided to make myself change.”

“Stepparenting is like working at a late-night convenience store — all of the responsibility and none of the authority.”

“External influences create internal chaos.”

“Love is an uphill climb, but once you know yourself and like yourself just as you are, it's all downhill from there.”

“And this song,” Doug said as the CD advanced to the next track, “Makes me think about how Stephen’s love completes my soul.” Rapid-fire drumming led into lyrics describing the satisfaction one felt when pointing a Glock at a filthy puta.”

“See, I thought gay sex would be all different and weird, but it was just like having sex with a woman, except way hotter. I guess you can't believe stuff you see on the Internet, because you know, the hot gay sex I had last night was totally awesome, and nobody like, put their entire hand in my butt." Doug stood and walked over to Stephen, who was shoving a bagel into a Ziploc bag. "Anyway, hold on, here he is," Doug said into the phone, and then held it out towards him. "It's your mom.”