“I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.”

“One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.”

“Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year”

“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”

“He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.”

“The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer. ”

“(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?”