“Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year”
“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”
“He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.”
“The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer. ”
“I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.”
“(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?”