“Fifty-one hybrids and ten MINI coopers. We're the most eco-friendly assault force in history.”

“Mortimer had maxed three credit cards stocking the cave with canned goods and medical supplies and tools and everything a man needed to live through the end of the world. There were more than a thousand books along shelves in the driest part of the cave. There used to be several boxes of pornography until Mortimer realized that he'd spent nearly ten days in a row sitting in the cave masturbating. He burned the dirty magazines to keep from doing some terrible whacking injury to himself.”

“She was like some kind of Energizer Bunny nonstop bitch machine...She needed three more husbands, so we could all take shifts listening to her.”

“On the one side blind force, on the other a soul.”

“Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age.”

“Of all the things that God has made, the human heart is the one which sheds the most light, alas! and the most darkness.”

“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.”