“Then there's Queen Victoria, like a large tea cosy, & Wellington, sleek as a mastiff with paw extended . . .”

“Most Americans do not own passports. They’re not a naturally curious people. If you were to lock an American for sixty years in an empty underground bunker which contained nothing but a woolly tea cosy, the American would not even be curious enough to be tempted to see if the tea cosy would make a serviceable hat. They’re far more likely to arrest the tea cosy, intern it illegally in Guantanamo Bay, and then repeatedly anally rape it until such time that it admits that it was actually a member of an al-Qaeda training cell. Even though at the time of the alleged offence the tea cosy was actually working as a shop assistant in a branch of Currys in Wolverhampton.”

“If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners, she doesn't deserve to have any.”

“Beware of artists. They mix with all classes of society and are therefore most dangerous."— Queen Victoria”

“The cup of tea on arrival at a country house is a thing which, as a rule, I particularly enjoy. I like the crackling logs, the shaded lights, the scent of buttered toast, the general atmosphere of leisured cosiness.”

“You were looking for me? Victoria wondered if she would be red for the rest of her life. Yes. Isn't that something. Perfect ice queen Victoria looking for skunkish old me.”