“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. ”

“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”

“A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.”

“All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia”

“You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.”

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”

“There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.”