“Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia.”
“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”
“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”
“You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.”
“I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.”