“Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.”

“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”

“Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night”

“I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.”

“There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.”

“You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.”

“Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.”