“There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.”

“If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.”

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. ”

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake.”

“Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.”

“A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.”