“You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.”

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”

“If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.”

“Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.”

“Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia.”

“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”