“N.B. – Do not on any account attempt to write on both sides of the paper at once.”

“With the ascension of Charles I to the throne we come at last to the Central Period of English History (not to be confused with the Middle Ages, of course), consisting in the utterly memorable Struggle between the Cavaliers (Wrong but Wromantic) and the Roundheads (Right but Repulsive).”

“Gladstone .. spent his declining years trying to guess the answer to the Irish Question; unfortunately, whenever he was getting warm, the Irish secretly changed the Question, ...”

“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.”

“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”

“Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.”

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”