“An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.”
“The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.”
“Get all the good laughs you can.”
“The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.”
“You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.”
“Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.”
“Most men are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”