“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”

“In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”

“I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.”

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

“So then, what do you believe in?Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.”

“My brain? That's my second favorite organ.”

“I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”