“Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!”

“Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday”

“I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”

“I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.”

“The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.”

“Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.”

“The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.”