“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

“No, thanks. I already own a penguin.”

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”

“Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.”

“Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,”

“In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.”

“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”