“I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.”

“Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.”

“I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.”

“I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”

“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.”

“How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”