“I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.”

“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”

“So then, what do you believe in?Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.”

“My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.”

“My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.”

“I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.”

“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”