“I can't fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.”

“I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.”

“You can't ride two horses with one behind.”

“I am at two with nature.”

“This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.”

“I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.”

“Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful, and multiply'. But not in those words.”