“I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”

“And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.”

“Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.”

“I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.”

“In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.”

“It reminds me of that old joke- you know, a guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. I guess that's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs.”