“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.”

“God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.”

“These modern analysts! They charge so much. In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks, he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks, Freud would let you treat him, and that included a choice of any two vegetables. Thirty dollars an hour! Fifty dollars an hour! The Kaiser only got twelve and a quarter for being Kaiser! And he had to walk to work! And the length of treatment! Two years! Five years! If one of us couldn’t cure a patient in six months we would refund his money, take him to any musical revue and he would receive either a mahogany fruit bowl or a set of stainless steel carving knives. I remember you could always tell the patients Jung failed with, as he would give them large stuffed pandas.”

“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”

“I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.”

“I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”

“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”