“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”

“Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.”

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

“I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.”

“In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.”

“I am at two with nature.”

“I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.”