Bauvard

“Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they'll wake up with a smile on their face.”

“Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.”

“I lost something magical in the process of growing up – my disillusionment.”

“A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.”

“Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.”

“Have a baby shower, then an abortion. Now you just have to lose a little weight to squeeze into all your skimpy new outfits.”

“Moderation: a median with no means, praised by those with no misfortunes, practiced by those with no merits.”

“Folk wisdom: quaint sayings of urban sophisticates compiled from the suburbs.”

“The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see gun violence.”

“I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.”

“Spontaneous abortion: the opposite of immaculate conception. God has compensated for Christianity’s violent history by revealing that innocent blood does not have to be spilt.”

“Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.”

“First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.”

“Dentistry is a precondition to love at first sight. When your eyes meet she beams with happiness, but when you smile back she shows her true reflexes.”

“There are lots of things sons shouldn’t imagine about their mothers, above all what it was like to become one.”

“Sympathy is why when a man is getting mugged, you let him keep his shirt after you take his life. Funerals are respectable affairs, after all.”

“Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion.”

“Use condoms; it’s wise not to gamble with your children's future.”

“The stoic contemplates fallen leaves; the epicure rakes them into a loveseat.”

“The French: a people who have used their sophisticated culture and beautiful language to bequeath to the world the sliced potato.”

“When a person encounters his own statue and takes a hammer to it, performance art adds depth to greatness.”

“The only way to be completely self-consistent is to be constantly uttering paradoxes.”

“Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.”

“Seize something wonderful; don't lose your chance waiting for it to become legal.”

“Sending love letters to first-graders will teach them lessons in cursive. But writing back will test their commitment.”

“Flatterers should be mistrusted, especially when they praise the dead. To seek a place in society is self-serving, but to seek one in history affects everyone.”

“Just relax. Everyone around you is working too hard.”

“There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for.”

“Quote: a banal proverb that is considered profound when uttered by a celebrity.”

“To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.”

“Religious fasting is the best way to cure an anorexic's spirit: in heaven her condition will be normal.”

“Give up your dreams; you'll accomplish more without sleep.”

“Liver failure is the easiest way to say 'no' to alcohol.”

“An empty skull is the vanitas symbol of modern education.”

“One nation, under God, with consciousness – the practical man serves the highest abstraction with juggling training.”

“Don't drink away your dreams; drink towards them.”

“Experience: the vehicle of history. Teenagers: the driving force behind fatal accidents.”

“Children should have a balanced diet. They should only consume sugar, salt, and fat in equal quantities.”

“Attacking the person instead of the argument is condemned in logic, widespread in physics, and not used nearly enough in humanism.”

“When cultivating your garden, keep the soil healthy with encroachers. The most redolent flowers grow over graves.”

“Usually I am the only subject I care to discuss with company. But when I'm getting reacquainted with an old friend, I really enjoy just sitting back and listening to them talk about me for a while.”

“The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.”

“It is a known fact that pain and pleasure are the two most basic elements of life. But the secret is to simplify that fact.”

“If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.”

“Neighbors are the most indecent sort of folk around. Nothing but voyeurs and gossipers. As a community we would be much better off without them.”

“It is so wearisome having to represent things. That is why I refuse to look at abstract art. It is much too suggestive of the style of my thoughts, and I never think about my thoughts.”

“A man without debts is a man without anything to live for. Debt is collateral for life. It provides you with obligations to others, gives you duty, gives you purpose: the purpose to protect those possessions which you would not otherwise have without your debt. Debt is the most responsible way to elevate your social position.”

“I just wanted the rain to come so I could help grow something. But I became a part of so much more” – a grain of dirt after a mudslide.”

“I dropped out of school and congratulated myself for my diligence. Few realize how hard one has to work to resist the pressures of conventional success.”

“Buddhism: a violent religion that has compensated for the exploding human population by causing whole species of animal vessels to go extinct.”