Bauvard

“I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.”

“Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.”

“So many things happen that we can't control, its best not to worry about what we can. Believing you can change the world has a terrible effect on one's ego.”

“Like a valet who commits grand theft auto not to go for a joy ride but to open a used car lot, so do we seize upon love not to revel in its ecstasies but to haggle over its blue-book value.”

“Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.”

“It’s best to only exercise when the air conditioning is working properly outside. A strong wind ensures one doesn’t sweat very much.”

“What’s outside my head and what’s inside my head aren’t worth mentioning. What’s worth mentioning is what’s on my head – my hair. Whatever happens, I’ll still be as fashionably coiffed as I was before the war broke out and I got dementia.”

“Einstein’s remark on the limitlessness of human stupidity is made even more disturbing by the discovery that infinity comes in different sizes. Answering ‘How much stupider?’ or trying to measure the minimal idiocy bounded by an IQ test are mysteries which are themselves infinitely less alarming than simply attempting to tally the anti-savant population. One can count all the natural idiots (they’re the same as the even number of idiots – twice as many), but the number of real idiots continues forever: all the counting idiots (finger reckoners) plus all the fractional idiots (geniuses on a bad day) plus all the irrational idiots (they go on and on and on) add up to a world in which the approaching upper limit of our set of natural resources has its complement in the inexhaustible lower limit of our set of mental ones.”

“I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.”

“Performance enhancements are most impressive when used by that sedentary athlete, the videogamer. After he turns to hitchhiking in disgrace, his giant thumbs can take him anywhere.”

“The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.”

“Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.”

“Nothing is more attractive than universal appeal. That is what makes androgyny the peacekeeping persuasion.”

“The only way to tell a fable is to introduce a human. The only way to tell a proverb is to introduce your grandfather.”

“Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.”

“Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.”

“I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.”

“Don’t take drugs. Asking politely promotes healthy stereotypes.”

“We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.”

“Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.”

“Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.”

“When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.”

“Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.”

“You can always tell the quality of an author by their cover picture. Bad writers bear an idiotic smile on the inside flap. Great writers take up the entire back cover looking slightly mad, sad, or bored. The very best writers, though, had the superior ability to die before photography was invented.”

“Water is very bad for one’s health. People in third world countries seem to drink nothing but water, and they are always dying.”

“I don't believe in failure. I'm perseverant - I believe in failing.”

“Privatization will always be a timid ideology as long as architects are allowed to unveil their buildings.”

“One never owns a book. It sits on your shelf in a fine edition like a piece of furniture, and you are its admiring ward until it flies off from you in a time of financial hardship. If it is a tattered paperback, she is your casual mistress you use a few times. If you have read it a hundred times then it is your wife, and a source of infinite mystery.”

“When you don't hold your pipe with the proper poise, smoking is very hazardous for your image.”

“I may be slow, but I know a racist when I’m called one - and I am proud to support the supremacy of the 100-meter leisurely stroll.”

“When one's unconscious is full of vice, nothing realizes inner potential like hypocrisy.”

“I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.”

“Teacher: a master who, through personal example, inspires students to rebel against learning.”

“Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.”

“We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.”

“Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.”

“When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.”

“Frogs. We all want their long tongues and jumping power, but aspiring superheroes rarely consider the benefits of growing up as sperm.”

“Don't swallow: your bulging, blushing cheeks display the saliva you want to share.”

“I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.”

“Rioter: a person who wants dinner, and needs a TV to eat it with.”

“Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.”

“Cannibal: epicures who abstain from alcohol and tobacco. As moral guides, they are underutilized in the police forces of modern societies.  ”

“Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.”

“After all else, there’s more yet: I don’t know what, though.”

“Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?”

“Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.”

“A hobby is labor disguising itself as leisure. It is extremely destructive to the boundaries of private life.”

“It is remarkably precocious when a person accomplishes anything after the age of thirty.”

“Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.”