Bauvard

“Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.”

“What is the world coming to when girls allow their hands to be kissed without gloves? That young people don't use proper protection these days is exactly why there are always so many colds going around.”

“I compensate for my debauchery by being brilliant at it. I make sacrifices for it by waking up in a gutter covered in the fruits of my genius.”

“Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.”

“I don’t believe in a lot of phenomena that fall under the term ‘parapsychology.’ Especially that one branch, psychology. You’re going to tell me there’s something inside my head, controlling me?”

“I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.”

“I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.”

“Inconsistent parenting creates confusion. When I'm pitting mom against dad, they never know what to expect.”

“Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.”

“I ran into an old friend on the street and we started up a conversation. Four hours and six bottles of wine later, we decided the weather was just too unpredictable, and we parted ways.”

“If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.”

“As a captain whose vessel is about to crash on the rocks empties its souls of doubt, so are the hesitant useful for throwing off of an enterprise nearing its end: blame must be cast in failure, profits divided easily in success.”

“Somewhere in the background of magnificence lurks the kitchen staff. But a magnificent person only forgets about his origins, never his brunch.”

“Spending one’s last moments prostrated before the toilet is the supreme act of repentance. It allows one to relieve a heavy inner burden.”

“Be true to your divided selves. They're the only ones who will support you in moments of vacillation.”

“We live in one of the few epochs of humanity where life isn't just a painful cycle of toil, fatigue, and collapse. Now pleasure gyrates us through those stages.”

“When it’s not enough to veto your children’s tendencies, you must in vitro them.”

“The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.”

“If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.”

“I have never sought to displease; I merely seek pleasure and avoid the pain it causes those who work to produce it. That is what it means to live by the leisure principle.”

“Hypocrisy is a quality found in others. I am an optimist. I believe that saying the right thing will eventually cause people to do the right thing for me.”

“Self-awareness of one’s faults, far from being the first step to growth, is very often the second foot in the mud.”

“Don't believe anything I say. My point of view is merely objective.”

“I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.”

“Never proscribe a child’s vitality – prescribe it.”

“The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.”

“The smaller the dinner table, the better the side conversation: you can gossip about the guests without fearing whether you will be overheard. It just isn't good table manners to exclude someone from their own ridicule. That's why the juiciest side conversations occur at a table for one.”

“I happen to find ceilings much lovelier than the night sky myself. Sometimes I just stare at them for hours and wonder what could be up there.”

“Aping the lower class will only lead to fatherless children, unusable muscles, and the fear of tomorrow’s sobriety.”

“A ransom note, the true test of unconditional love.”

“Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.”

“I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.”