Christopher Moore

“Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell”

“Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)" I thinks she's going to break my heart" On arrival of the girl" The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!”

“...One time you take a hundred thousand dollars and let a vampire go, the whole world turns on you like you're some kind of bad guy.”

“She's so obnoxious. Like a whole Saturday night drunk tank full of obnoxious packed into one little body." Detective Cavuto”

“So hey, once Joshua heals your brother, you want to go do something, get some pomegranate juice, a falafel,or get married or something?”

“Oh, we are but soft and squishy bags of mortality rolling in a bin of sharp circumstance, leaking life until we collapse, flaccid, into our own despair..”

“Anger is the spirits telling you that you are alive.”

“Why understand when you can believe?”

“She's evil. Evil, evil, evil. I want to see her naked.”

“I'm thinking of being a professional mourner. How hard can it be? Tear at your hair, sing a dirge or two, take the rest of the week off.”

“And he was like "The sedative in the blood, blah, blah, four hours, blah, blah, nerdspeak, geektalk -" -Abby”

“Like last year I took Advance Foods class (which is like cooking for nerds) after lunch, and so I usually took a nap. Which was fine, because I'm not even thrilled about regular foods, so, you know, what do I need with like advanced digital HD wi-fi foods and whatnot? -Abby”

“Jody noticed that the kid was focused on the breasts, which were defying gravity, and apparently death itself, by standing there at complete attention”

“I was all, "Oh, dog, Countess gonna crack open a forty of whup-ass on you now. Oh, you in the sh*t now, wigga!" (I am not incline to use hip-hop vernacular often, but there are times when, like French, it just better expresses the sentiment of the moment.) -Abby”

“Yo, yo, yo, check it out," said PJ, with enough hand gestures that any deaf person watching would have thought he had ASL Tourette's syndrome”

“So, have you seen Flood?" she asked. "Cop?" She added "cop" with a high pop on the p, like it was a punctuation mark, not a profession”

“Inside, I was like: "Ha, suck my spiky rubber strap-on, vampyre hunter!”

“Do we still have to floss?" Tommy asked. "I mean, what's the point of being immortal if we have to floss?”

“She gave him the wide, green-eyed expression that she would have described as I will slap you so far into next week that it will take a team of surgeons just to get Wednesday out of your ass.”

“Which is why you chose to wear that delightful ensemble from the skank-wear collection at Hoes-n-Thangs?" -Tommy”

“My skin cleared up! I don't have a single zit." -TommyDing, ding, ding," Jody onomatopeed, signaling that Tommy had hit on the correct answer.”

“Advice, then, young yeoman: When referring to the king's middle daughter, state that she is fair, speculate that she is pious, but unless you'd like to spend your watch looking for the box where your head is kept, resist the urge to wax ignorant on her naughty bits." -PocketI don't know what that means, sir." -YeomanSpeak not of Regan's shaggacity, son" [...] -Pocket”

“Soon a whole guild of low-priced shrine keepers around Europe named their own pope - Boldface the Relatively Shameless, Discount Pope of Prague. The price war was on [...] The Retail Pope would offer cheesy bacon toppings on the Host with communion and the Discount Pope would counter with topless nun night for midnight mass.”

“Next out of the hall came the sisters and their husbands. Before I could say anything, the captain had clamped his hand over my mouth and was lifting me off my feet as I kicked. Cornwall made as to draw his dagger, but Regan pulled him away. "You've just won a kingdom, my duke, killing vermin is a servant's task. Leave the bitter fool stew in his own bile."She wanted me. It was clear.”

“A hundred brilliant witticisms died suffocating on the captain's heavy glove. Thus muted, I pumped my codpiece at the duke and tried to force a fart, but my bum tumpet could find no note.”

“I'll not have an exchange with an impudent fool." [Oswald]He's not impudent," said Jones [the puppet]. "With proper inspiration, the lad sports a woody as stout as a mooring pin. Ask your lady."I nodded in agreement with the puppet, for he is most wise for having a brain of sawdust.Impudent! Impudent! Not impotent!" said Oswald, frothing a bit now.”

“Not yet!" said she [Goneril], trying to roll me over and get back to smacking my bum.She honked my codpiece.You honked my codpiece."Aye, give it up, fool." [...]”

“What is your name?" asked Lear.Caius," said Kent.And whence do you hail?"From Bonking, sire."Well, yes, lad, as do we all," said Lear, "but from what town?”

“[...] Y'know, the Duchess Regan is living here at the tower now? I took your advice about not talking about her boffnacity [footnote], even with the duke dead and all, can't be too careful. Although, I caught sight of her in a dressing gown one day she was up on the parapet outside her solar. Fine flanks on that princess, despite the danger of death and all for sayin' so, sir." -YeomenAye, the lady is fair, and her gadonk as fine as frog fur [...]" -Pocketfootnote: Boffnacity: an expression of shagnatiousness, fit. from the Latin boffusnatious”

“Love? Sodding, bloody, tossing, bloody, sodding, bloody love? Irrelevant, superfluous, bloody, ruddy, rotten, sodding love? What ho? Wherefore? What the f*ck? Love?”

“Alive," Kimi interrupted. "I get you out of typhoon alive and you just yell and say bad things. I quit. You get new navigator. Roberto say you mean, nasty, Chevy-driving, milk-drinking, American dog f*cker."I don't drink milk," Tuck said. Ha! Won that round.”

“Even a mentally challenged shark would figure out that sea turtles did not wear boxer shorts printed in flying piggies, and no sea turtle would be yattering streams of obscenities between chain-smoker gasps of breath.”

“Theophilus Crowe's mobile phone played eight bars of "Tangled Up in Blue" in an irritating electronic voice that sounded like a choir of suffering houseflies, or Jiminy Cricket huffing helium, or, well, you know, Bob Dylan.”

“We really have to get going," Sam said. "Can we leave the car here and pick it up later?"The monk said, "Does a dog have a Buddha nature?"Does a fish have a watertight asshole?" said Coyote.”

“You want me and I want you. right?"Who did she think she was? You can't just go around blurting out the truth like a prophet with Tourette's Syndrome. He said, "Well, I guess. Yeah, that's right.”

“Wet towel under the door,' said Barry. 'It's what you do when you're smoking weed in a hotel and you don't want everyone calling security. You're always supposed to have a towel. I read about it in a guide for hitchhiking through the galaxy.”

“Nate had been born and raised in British Columbia, and Canadians hate, above all things, to offend. It was part of the national consciousness. "Be polite" was an unwritten, unspoken rule, but ingrained into the psyche of an entire country. (Of course, as with any rule, there were exceptions: parts of Quebec, where people maintained the "dismissive to the point of confrontation, with subsequent surrender" mind-set of the French; and hockey, in which any Canadian may, with impunity, slam, pummel, elbow, smack, punch, body-check, and beat the shit out of, with sticks, any other human being, punctuated by profanities, name-calling, questioning parentage, and accusations of bestiality, usually-coincidentally- in French.)”

“No theory ever benefited by the application of data, Amy. Data kills theories. A theory has no better time than when it's lying there naked, pure, unsullied by facts. Let's just keep it that way for a while.""So you don't really have a theory?""Clueless.""You lying bag of fish heads.""I can fire you, you know. Even if Clay was the one that hired you, I'm not totally superfluous to this operation yet. I'm kind of in charge. I can fire you. Then how will you live?""I'm not getting paid.""See, right there. Perfectly good concept ruined by the application of fact.”

“What are you working on?" Elizabeth asked. Nate could hear her tapping a pencil on her desk. She took notes during their conversations. He didn't know what she did with the notes, but it bothered him."I have a lecture at the sanctuary in four days." Why, why had he told her? Why? Now she'd rattle down the mountain in her ancient Mercedes that looked like a Nazi staff car, sit in the audience, and ask all the questions that she knew in advance he couldn't answer.”

“From the slope of Haleakala, the Old Broad watched the activity in the channel with a two-hundred-power celestial telescope and a pair of "big eyes" binoculars that looked like stereo bazookas on precision mounts that were anchored into a ton of concrete.”

“Love needs room to grow. Like a rose. Or a tumor.”

“Like looking down on a lubricious chess set, isn't it? The king moves in tiny steps, with no direction, like a drunkard trying to avoid the archer's bolt. The others work their strategies and wait for the old man to fall. He has no power, yet all power moves in his orbit and to his mad whim. Do you know there's no fool piece on the chessboard, Kent?" "Methinks the fool is the player, the mind above the moves.”

“When it appeared that even the most passive-aggressive attempts would not work, Charlie resorted to the ultimate Beta Male Attack, which was to tolerate Alvin and Mohammed's presence, but to resent the hell out of them and drop snide remarks whenever he had the chance.”

“Mr. Fresh sat down on the stool behind the counter and stared into the eyes of the cardboard cutout of Cher, hoping to find answers there. But the bitch was holding out.”

“Growl, you live in a slime lair and maintain an identity as the mysterious overlord of an undersea city, you command a fleet of meat dreadnaughts with crews of humanoid whale people, and you're currently reclining in a pulsating mass of gelatinous goo that looks like it escaped from hell's own Jell-O mold--so excuse the fuck out of me if I question your motives.”

“The Winter Woman is as wild as a blizzard, as fresh as new snow. While some see her as cold, she has a fiery heart under that ice-queen exterior. She likes the stark simplicity of Japanese art and the daring complexity of Russian literature. She prefers sharp to flowing lines, brooding to pouting, and rock and roll to country and western. Her drink is vodka, her car is German, her analgesic is Advil. The Winter Woman likes her men weak and her coffee strong. She is prone to anemia, hysteria, and suicide.”

“You can only eat so much white cake.”

“En la tienda de mascotas eligió dos tortugas pintadas, cada una de ellas del ancho aproximado de la tapa de un frasco de mayonesa. Compró para ellas una bandeja grande en forma de riñón que tenía su propio islote, una palmera de plástico, algunas plantas acuáticas y un caracol. El caracol servía presumiblemente para reforzar la autoestima de las tortugas: "¿Nosotras te parecemos lentas? Pues fíjate en ese tipo". Del mismo modo, para apuntalar la moral del caracol, había una roca. Todos somos más felices si tenemos a alguien a quien mirar por encima del hombro, y a alguien a quien admirar; sobre todo, si estamos resentidos con ambos. Esa no es solo la estrategia del macho beta para sobrevivir, sino también la esencia del capitalismo, de la democracia y de la mayoría de las religiones.”

“Se prometió a sí mismo acojonarse por ello en cuanto tuviera tiempo.”

“No era tanto que las manecillas del tiempo se hubieran detenido allí, sino más bien como si se hubieran levantado, exasperadas, y el reloj hubiera exclamado: "¡Venga, coño! Yo me largo de aquí".”