Craig Ferguson

“I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.”

“Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.”

“I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.”

“Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.”

“My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.”

“I took the sleeper out of Glasgow, and as the smelly old train bumped out of Central Station and across the Jamaica Street Bridge, I stared out at the orange halogen streetlamps reflected in the black water of the river Clyde. I gazed at the crumbling Victorian buildings that would soon be sandblasted and renovated into yuppie hutches. I watched the revelers and rascals traverse the shiny wet streets. I thought of the thrill and danger of my youth and the fear and frustration of my adult life thus far. I thought of the failure of my marriage and my failures as a man. I saw all this through my reflection in the nighttime window. Down the tracks I went, hardly aware that I was going further south with every passing second.”

“Those unexpected morality lessons provided by the trip had jolted me into some kind of action. It was time to jettison the past before the present jettisoned me. This was my first veiled attempt at recovery. Although perhaps I was just running away again. I returned to Glasgow, planning to say a final goodbye to Anne and get out of her life, but ended up drinking with buddies in the Chip Bar and never seeing her. I called her instead to say I was moving to London and told her she could have the house and everything else we owned, which wasn't much. I think she was as relieved as I was that I was leaving town for good.”

“Ros was dead.He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.”

“Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down. You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation.”

“With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.”

“I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.”

“I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.”

“I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.”

“That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.”

“Oh Satan you're a wily one.”

“When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything. ”

“You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.”

“The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.”

“You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.”

“I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.”

“Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.”

“I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important. ”

“By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!”

“114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.”

“People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.”

“I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.”

“Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know”

“Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.”

“There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.”

“You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.”

“I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.”

“At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.”

“Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.”

“I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.”

“Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.”

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.”

“I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.”

“Its like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.”

“My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.”

“I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.”

“I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.”

“....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.”

“It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.”

“Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that's on CBS and there's been a lot of cutbacks, so it's just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don't have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it's a start!”

“If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.”

“Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.”

“The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.”

“I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.”

“You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why,Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.”

“It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.”