Craig Ferguson

“If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.”

“Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.”

“I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free! ”

“Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.”

“I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.”

“I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.”

“Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands. ”

“Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.”

“Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012”

“I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it ”

“Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.”

“I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't. ”

“When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.”

“The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.”

“There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.”

“Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it?”

“Stand by your bed and salute me.”

“I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.”

“Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.”

“I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.”

“You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry”

“Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics - they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points.Or as Hillary Clinton would say, "Too close to call.”

“If you don't vote, you're a moron.”