Darynda Jones

“Since killing people is illegal, can I have a Taser just for shits and giggles? -Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet”

“Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes it's time, and gets to know everyone personally - T-Shirt”

“.. an emergency stash of Thin Mints. Frickin' Girl Scouts. Those things were way to addictive. They had to be laced with crack." Charlie Davidson Fourth Grave Beneath my Feet”

“He'd been in surgery for-like-ever, then in recovery, but they put him in a room because, despite the amount of blood loss, his wounds were no longer life threatening. "You here to get in my pants?" he asked."You're not wearing any pants," I reminded him. "You're wearing a girly gown with a built-in ass ventilator.”

“Garrett must have sensed I was awake. "Hey Detective," he said to Uncle Bob, who was now trudging across the grating toward us. "I think we're losing her. I have no choice but to perform mouth-to-mouth.""Don't you dare," I said, my lids still in lockdown.”

“You either fainted or you wanted a much closer look at the cracks in the tile. Either way, you hit hard.""Seriously?"He nodded. "Maybe you shouldn't have been trying to make out with him," he suggested.How did he know that? "I was kissing him good-bye."He snorted and exchanged glances with the nurse. "That's not what it looked like to me."Probably not. But what happened? Could Reyes Farrow take control over me even from a freaking coma? I was doomed.”

“Every night in my dreams, a man appeared from the darkest recesses of my mind, as if he'd been waiting for me to fall asleep. His mouth, full, masculine, would sear my flesh. His tongue, like flames across my skin, would send tiny sparks quaking through my body. Then he would dip south, and the heavens would open and a chorus singing hallelujah would ring out in perfect harmony.”

“I totally should've gone to Hogwarts when I had the chance.”

“Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster and with more energy!”

“SARC- is my second favorite -ASM word”

“Since I didn't have a candy wrapper to help me with the bad connection I was about to have, I resorted to using vocal sound effects. When Agent Carson picked up, I started my performance. "Agent... Agent Carson," I said, panting into the phone."Yes, Charley." She seemed unimpressed, but I wasn't about to stop now."I--I know who the kshshshshshsh are.""I'm a little busy right now, Davidson. What is a Ksh, and why do I care?""I'm sorry. My kshshsh... is kshshsh... ing."I repeat. What is a Ksh? And why do I care if it is ksh-ing?"She was a tough one. I knew I should have waited and bought a Butterfinger at the Jug-N-Chug. Those wrappers crakled like Rice Krispies on a Saturday morning. "You aren't listeni--kshshsh.""You're really bad at this.""Bank ro-ksh-ers. I know who they kshshsh.""Charley, if you don't cut this crap out."I hung up and turned off my phone before she could figure out what I was trying not to tell her and call back.”

“Well, that sucked more ass than liposuction.”

“...But he was a good landlord. When my heater stopped working in mid-December, it took him only two weeks to get it fixed. Of course, it took me knocking on his door in need of a warm place to sleep to get it that way, but one night on his sofa, where I’d suddenly developed night terrors and epilepsy, and that puppy was running like a Mercedes the next day. It was awesome.”

“I'll call if I break a leg or get eaten by a bear.""Play like a rock.""Now?""No, if a bear starts eating you."I thought for a moment before replying. "Do they have screaming, sobbing rocks, 'cause that's probably what I'll be doing if a bear is gnawing my arm off.""It would be difficult to just lay there and be eaten alive, huh?""Ya think?”

“Who knew that all this time the nectar of the Gods was in my va-jay-jay.”

“Dear Santa, WTF...”

“He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.”

“She looked at me, confused. “He hardly knew me. My parents dated and got married before we knew what happened. Let’s just say we were notbrought into the loop on that decision.”“That’s weird. I wasn’t brought into the loop with my parents’ marriage either.”“Really? How old were you?”“Twelve months.”She giggled. “I can’t imagine why they didn’t ask your opinion.”

“If you must eat a banana in public, never make eye contact.”

“SARC- was my second favorite -ASM word”

“Gemma talking to Charley..."Got it. Have you seen my pants?""Speaking of which, how did you get home without them?""I borrowed a pair of you sweats. I ran into a convenience store with them on. I talked to neighbors out in their yard when I pulled up. And only after I got inside did I realize the had 'Exit Only' written across the back.""You stole my favorite sweats?""I wanted to die.""It's weird that sweats would make you suicidal. I'd analyze the crap out of that if I were you.""Do you actually wear those in public?""Only when I go out in them”

“I have them a few minutes to absorb everything while I teased Ubie, who only had to recover from his near-death experience. I was so glad Reyes hadn't ripped him to shreds. I liked him much better un-shredded. Unlike, say, my preference for lettuce or heavy metal guitar solos.”

“They were back. The demons in all their glory. And they had a plan. I made plans sometimes, too, but they rarely involved world domination. Hot dogs on a grill, maybe. Tequila.”

“Are you using that handbag that has the word fuck written all over it again? I warned you about taking that out in public.”

“She didn't smile back. Not even a little. I totally needed to read that book on how to win friends and influence people. But that would involve an innate desire to win friends and influence people.”

“That’s the thing about things. They tend to happen.”

“My real mom died when I was born—hemorrhaged to death while giving birth tome, which has never been one of my favorite memories—and Dad married Denise before I’d turned a year. Without even asking my opinion on thematter. Denise and I never really clicked.”

“In Cookie's defense, it was raining wildcats and rabid dogs.”

“if everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane(T-Shirt)”

“We stood there, the three of us, our jaws firmly planted on the floor. Aunt Lil recovered first. She nudged me with her elbow and said with a cackle of delight, "I think you guys should make some more of those brownies, 'cause that boy looks hungry.”

“Surely my macking on some guy in an insane asylum wouldn't hurt him. He'd been living with his stalker, for heaven's sake.”

“I meant to behave. There were just too many other options.--T-SHIRT”

“He had given me so much information, I wanted some time to absorb it all, but I didn't want to leave him. Not like this. Not ever, as long as I lived. Or until I had to get back on the case. Whichever came first.”

“When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.--T-SHIRT”

“There is a fine line between love and hate, or haven't you heard? Sometimes it's hard to decipher exactly which emotion is strongest."I raised my chin. "I don't love you either."He lowered his head and watched me from underneath his dark lashes. "Are you certain? Because the emotion pouring out of you every time I'm near you is certainly not disinterest.""That doesn't mean it's love.""It could be, I promise you. Take off that sweater and give me ten minutes, and you'll believe beyond a shadow of a doubt you're in love.”

“He's an enigma wrapped up in sensuality padlocked with a dozen chains of desire and topped off with a razor-sharp ribbon of danger. There are more layers to him than a billionaire's wedding cake.”

“For one week, all I could think about was drinking margaritas--well, that and running my tongue along Reyes's teeth--but I didn't have salt--or Reyes's teeth. I'd also lacked the energy to leave my apartment to get some--or the desire to stoop low enough to beg Reyes to let me lick his teeth after what he did--so I could only wish for a margarita. And dream of Reyes's teeth.I'd secretly hoped a margarita would magically appear in my hand, but that would mean I would have to put down the remote, and God knew that was not going to happen.”

“I can hear other things, too. Before you came around, I had no idea a man could make a girl scream like that. Reyes seems very talented.”

“Amber, you could never embarrass me.""Never?" she asked."Never.""One time, I yelled across the store to Mom and asked her if she wanted the regular or the super-absorbent tampons. I added that, according to the box, the super-absorbent were for those heavy days. Then I asked her to rate her heaviness on a scale of one to ten.""Okay, you could.""Then while we were standing in line, I asked her why she was buying three boxes of Summer's Eve in the middle of winter."I set her at arm's length. "Wow.""I know, right? I had no idea a person could turn so red.”

“Where have you been?"I stepped into my apartment and met Uncle Bob's glare with one of my own. "Out trying to pass myself off as a movie producer to get hot guys to sleep with me. Where have you been?”

“You can't fix stupid, but you can numb it was a 2 by 4.--T-SHIRT”

“Doing nothing is hard. You never know when you're done.--T-SHIRT”

“She reached up and curled her fingers into mine. “He should take you to dinner.” To say that the mere thought horrified me would have been a grievous understatement. I threw up a little in my mouth then swallowed hard.I told Taft when I recovered, “Just please, for the love of God, find a girl good enough to take home to your mother. And do it soon.”“And stop dating skanks.”

“Time-out,” I said. He twisted his hand around and wound his fingers into mine. “You‘re putting me in time-out?”“Yes,” I said as a shaky sigh slid through my lips.“If I don‘t go, do I get a spanking?”

“Reyes, what happened?” He‘d been busy nibbling his way to my collarbone, his hot mouth evoking seismic activity at each point of contact. I really hated to interrupt, but … “Reyes, are you listening to me?”He raised his head, a sensual grin playing at the corners of his mouth, and said, “I‘m listening.”“To what? The sound of blood rushing to your nether regions?”“No,” he said with a husky chuckle that made me tingle everywhere. “To your heartbeat.”

“My calculations - allowing for a 12 percent margin of error, based on the radius of the corresponding confidence interval and the surgeon general's warning - concluded that they probably didn't stay behind for the tacos.”

“Que no me importe no quiere decir que no lo entienda.”

“¿Estás segura?—Absolutamalditamente.Confirmado. Estaba como un cencerro.Se volvió en redondo, enfadado, con ese gruñido gutural que solía provocarme un placentero estremecimiento a lo largo de la columna vertebral.—Eres la persona más tozuda…—¡¿Yo?! —exclamé, incrédula—. Que ¿yo soy tozuda?Ya lo creo. Lo mejor era encerrarme y tirar la llave.De pronto, se plantó delante de mí.—Como una mula.—¿Porque no quiero que te suicides? ¿Por eso soy tozuda?Bajó la cabeza hasta detenerla a escasos centímetros de la mía, aunque no le veía el rostro.—Absolutamalditamente.¡Plagiador! Apreté los dientes.”

“Si al principio no lo consigues, puede que el fracaso sea lo tuyo.”

“—Luego, tal vez tú y yo podríamos ir dando un paseo hasta esa cafetería de allí y tomarnos algo.—No eres mi tipo.Maldita fuera. A veces pasaba. En fin, ¿qué podía hacer una chica en esos casos?—De acuerdo, ¿vas a dejarnos pasar?—Me gustan más… verdes.—Por-fa-vor. —Saqué mi último billete de veinte—. Ahora sí que me has dejado tiesa.Me lo arrancó de los dedos y abrió la puerta.”