Darynda Jones

“I've been thinking," Brooklyn said as I gawked at the god sitting next to me, "if you get all lovey-dovey and decide to elope to Las Vegas where Jared uses his powers to clean up at the poker tables and you guys buy a mansion in the Manzano Mountains with twenty-seven rooms and decide - because you're rich and all - to buy a new computer, can I have your iMac then?" "Um, no, you're not getting my iMac." "Dang.”

“Man, that woman was quick when she wanted to be. But put her behind the wheel of a Buick...”

“Man, I want to be someone's forbidden fruit.""Well, you are pretty fruity.”

“What did one say to a stalker? Um, pardon me, Mr.Stalker, but could you, like, not?”

“I may as well cut my losses and make a hasty exit while I still had enough self-esteem to walk upright. Crawling was so demoralizing”

“Least he's committed," I offered."Or needs to be.”

“Friends don't let friends get killed by serial killers”

“I sat with my two best friends, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that only two of us would make it out of there alive. Though I did tend to exaggerate.”

“Trust me," Cameron cut in, "there ain't a thing wrong with those two unless you count the unusual and exquisite length of their legs.Brooklyn turned a tight-lipped smile on him. "Thanks so much for that penis-driven observation.”

“And," Amber said, practically drooling as she ogled him, "it's tradition for new arrivals to help with the pep rally."Brooklyn quirked her lips in doubt. "Tradition?""It's a new tradition," Amber shot back."Clearly the deeper meaning of the word has escaped you.”

“We're like the Three Musketeers, searching for truth and justice and the American way.:Glitch snorted. "More like the Three Blind Mice, stumbling around trying to find a hunk of cheese in the dark.”

“I know," he said in almost bored contemplation. "My manners suck. I like to chalk it up to a dissatisfying childhood.""I'd chalk it up to that narcissistic personality disorder laces with a smidgen of schizophrenia. Your mother would be proud.”

“That boy needs a hobby.""Stalking is a hobby.""So is serial killing.”

“If Cameron kidnaps you, kills you, then buries your lifeless body in a shallow grave in the desert where your remains lay decomposing for several decades until they're accidentally discovered by some guy on a journey to awaken his spirit at the Salinas Pueblo Missions, can I have your iMac?" I gaped at her. "You've really thought this out."I love your iMac.""I love my iMac too, and you're not getting her.""But you'll be decomposing.”

“Glitch was about as wild and unpredictable as a carrot stick.”

“There are very few personal problems that can't be solved with a suitable application of high explosives.”

“after an epic search, I finally found something neither green nor fuzzy. It was a hot sausage link. I named it Peter, mostly because it seemed like the right thing to do. As soon as my java was piping hot I popped him into the microwave. hopefully the radioactive environment would sterilize Peter. No need to have little Peters running around, wreaking havoc.”

“Cookie had taken her daughter amber to school then walked the thirty-something feet to work earlier. Our business was on the second floor of Calamity's, my dad's bar, which sat right in front of our apartment building. The short commute was nice and rarely invloved rabid raccoons.”

“Give it up? Not likely. Besides, what else would I do? I totally should have gone to Hogwart's when I had the chance.”

“He seemed determines, his resolve unwavering. This would take tact. Prudence. Possible Milk Duds.”

“I love children, but I don't think I can eat a whole one.- Bumper sticker”

“guys have feelings too. But like...who cares? -Inspirational poster”

“Do not disturb. Already there.”

“I suck at all this supernatural stuff. But I fry a mean chicken.Oh, good. I hate it when the nice ones get fried.”

“But we'd never really seen eye to eye. Mostly 'cause he was much taller than I was.”

“My prodding me didn't elicit a reaction. His unseeing eyes stared straight through me. Which was odd. He'd seemed so sane huddled in Cookie's trunk.”

“Then I asked her if she wanted to to the funeral, and my God, the look on her face. You'd think I'd asked her to drown the neighbor's cat."Admittedly, drowning the neighbor's cat didn't really clue me in as much as I would've liked. "So, she was angry?"He blinked back to me and stared. Like a long time.”

“I think you need to water your plants," Garrett [Swopes, PI]called out to me [Charley Davidson, Grim Reaper and PI]."Oh, they're fake." He was looking at the plants I had along my windowsill. Either that or my mold problem was getting out of hand. After a long pause I heard, "Those are fake?""Yeah, I had to make them look real. A little spray paint, a little lighter fluid, and voila! Fake dying plants.""Why would you want fake dying plants?" he asked."Because if they were all thick and healthy-looking, anyone who knows me would realise they were fake.""Yeah, but is that really the point?""Duh.”

“His lips thinned in frustration like I should already know the answer. He inched closer until his knee touched mine, his eyes, curious and intense, boring into me. "Because you move like fire rushing across a floor," he said his voice hushed, velvety smooth, "like flames licking up a wall." The rest of the world crumbled away as he lifted my chin. "Your energy is liquid and hot. Even from a distance you burn, you scorch anyone who gets too close. You are wine on my tongue and honey in my veins, and I cannot get enough of you." He leaned forward and whispered into my ear. His warm breath sent shivers cascading over my body. "You intoxicate me, Lorelei McAlister. You will be my downfall.”

“A Nuns Life: Chastity, poverty, and obedience. Wait, chastity?" BUMPER STICKER”

“What in the name of Zeus's testicles?”

“Mr. and Mrs. Lowell are not receiving."What the hell did that mean? "I'm not throwing a forty-yard pass. I just have a few questions. I think their daughter is in danger.”

“Oh- hey, there," he said. He was shorter than me, pudgy with salt-and-pepper hair that always seemed to be in need of a good conditioning. And he always wore sweatpants and T-shirts that had seen more abuse than narcotics. But he was a good landlord. When my heater stopped working in mid-December, it took him only two weeks to get it fixed. Of course, it took me knocking on his door in need of a warm place to sleep to get it that way, but one night on his sofa, where I'd suddenly developed night terrors and epilepsy, and that puppy was running like a Mercedes the next day. It was awesome.”

“Life is not about finding yourself. It's mostly about chocolate. T-Shirt”

“Hey, I'm going to Super Dog for a quick bite and to pass along a message from a dead guy to his girlfriend. You should come with me.""I can't go with you.""Is it because of my questionable morals?""No, it's because it's three o'clock in the afternoon and I have to pick up Amber from school.""Oh, right. So the morals thing doesn't bother you?”

“Hello?" I said, because Charley's House of Pasties seemed wrong.”

“That you honestly believe I am capable of hurting innocent people for no reason.”“You’re not?” I asked, hope softening my voice.“Oh, no, I’m more than capable. I just didn’t realize youknew that.”

“Did you catch the time-of-great-suffering thing?”Her expression softened. “Can you just make sure I’m not around when it happens?”“No can do,” I said, strolling back to my office with a negating wave of my hand. “If I have to suffer, then so does everyone else within a ten-mile radius.”She pursed her lips. “What ever happened to taking one for the team?”“Was never much of a team player.”“Sacrificing yourself for the greater good?”“Not that into human sacrifice.”“Suffering in silence?”I stopped and turned back to her, my eyes narrowing accusingly. “If I have to suffer, I’ll be screaming your name at the top of my lungs the whole time. You’ll be able to hear me all the way to Jersey, mark my words.”- Charley to Cookie”

“Have you slept yet?''Sure. I took a power nap on the way over.''Didn't you drive there?''Yeah. Other drviers kept waking me up. Car horns should be illegal.'- Charley & Cookie”

“But have you ever seen one?....They shook their heads. "Not Physically, no. But if you look at this passage - "Man, she liked that Bible. I'd read it and could definitely understand it's appeal, but I didn't have time for this.”

“Damn it. Reyes could be such a butthead. Freaking Antichrists.”

“Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.”

“Death comes to those who wait. And to those who don't. So either way…”

“You’re the reason I breathe”

“It is sexy in here or is it just me?”

“SOME GIRLS WEAR PRADA. SOME GIRLS WEAR GLOCK 17 SHORT RECOIL SPRING-LOADED SEMIAUTOMATIC PISTOLS WITH A LOADED CHAMBER INDICATOR AND A NONSLIP GRIP. - T-SHIRT”

“Chocolate and coffee ? Together ? Whoever came up with that combination should have won a Nobel Peace Prize. Or at least a subscription to Reader's Digest.”

“...and then she glared at me, the same glare my stepmother used to give me when I gave her the Nazi salute. That woman was so touchy about her resemblance to Hitler.”

“I stop fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now. T-shirt”

“He was like chocolate-covered heroin, and I was an addict through and through.”