Darynda Jones

“I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.”

“But give up my business? The same business I'd built from the ground up with my own two hands and designer Louis Vuittons? The same business for which I'd sacrificed blood, sweat, and tears? Well, maybe not sweat and tears, but there was blood. Lots of blood. Give it up? Not likely. Besides, what else would I do? I totally should've gone to Hogwarts when I had the chance.”

“You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.”

“After a geological epoch passed in which single-celled organisms evolved into talk show hosts, Mr. Coffee was still holding out on me.”

“DON’T GO BUYING TROUBLE.IT’S FREE AND IT KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE.—T-SHIRT”

“Felt my heartbeat falter, hesitate, then stumble awkwardly forward, tripping on the next beat, then the next, faster and faster until each one tumbled into the other like the drumroll of dominoes crashing together. Funny how time stands still when death is imminent.”

“It isn’t the fall that will kill you, but the sudden stop.”

“Dead people I could handle. They were usually beyond hysteria. This was the people-left behind part. The hard part.”

“His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.”

“He took a long draw then asked, “What’d I do?”“You knew about the guy threatening my dad?”He paused, shifted in his chair, so freaking busted, it wasn’t funny. “They told you?”“Why, no, Swopes, they didn’t. Instead, they waited until the guy knocked the fuck out of my dad and readied him for spaceflight with duct tape then tried to kill me with a butcher’s knife.”

“Oh, my god!" I said, throwing my hands over my eyes and hurtling my body against the counter."What?""You're naked.""I'm not naked.""I'm blind.""You're not blind. I'm wearing pants.""Oh." That was embarrassing.”

“Nobody wants to look like a fool. Nine times out of ten, thatreason alone keeps people from allowing themselves to believe.”

“Where you just possessed?" Cookie asked after a long moment, awe softening her voice. "'Cause let me tell you, sweetheart, if that was possession, I'm selling my soul.”

“I have three words for you," EMT Guy said. "Possible internal bleeding."I turned back to him. "Don't you think if I was bleeding internally, I'd know somewhere deep inside? Like, internally?”

“Genius has its limitations.Insanity...not so much" -Bumper Sticker”

“That took balls.""Please," I said with a snort, "that took ovaries. Of which I have two.”

“If I couldn't be a good example, I'd just have to be a horrible warning.”

“Maybe I needed sensitivity training. I once signed up for an anger management class, but the instructor pissed me off.”

“Oh, and she told me that men want only one thing. And on that note, I must give praise and thanks to the powers that be. I don't want much else from them either.”

“I pointed in the general vicinity of my left ovary, "This is Beam Me Up." Then to my right. "And this is Scotty." Garret chuckled and buried his face in his hands. He asked.”

“I went down like a drunken cowgirl trying to line dance to Metallica.”

“After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, "You named your breasts?"I turned my back to him with a shrug. "I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.”

“My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.” After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.”