Darynda Jones

“Las mujeres que se portan bien no suelen hacer historia.”

“La inteligencia tienes ciertas limitaciones. La locura... casi ninguna.”

“—Yo aprecio que sepas adelantarte —dijo con tono distante, como si estuviera pensando en otra cosa—. No tanto como tu delantera, pero aun así... Me giré en el asiento para mirarlo a la cara. —Mi delantera, como tú la llamas, tiene nombre. —Señalé mi pecho derecho—. Este es Peligro. —Luego el izquierdo—. Y este es Will Robinson. Apreciaría que te dirigieras a ellos como es debido.Se produjo un largo silencio en el que Garrett tuvo que parpadear varias veces. —¿Les has puesto nombre a tus pechos? —preguntó al final. Le di la espalda encogiéndome de hombros. —También les he puesto nombre a mis ovarios, pero ellos no destacan tanto.”

“Sabes que padeces trastorno de déficit de atención cuando... ¡Mira! ¡Un pollo!”

“Luego se casó con mi madrastra y todo cambió. Ella descubrió enseguida que yo era un bicho raro. Todo empezó cuando me enganché a las telenovelas mexicanas.”

“This guy in high school tried to run me over with his dad’s SUV. Bad shoved the vehicle through a store window.” The memory brought a smile to my face.”

“Is it just me or does the fact that you live in the same building you were abducted into seem a bit morbid?""Pffft. It’s just you," I said, discounting the entire bizarre ghoulish thing.”

“You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt”

“Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirt”

“She's like a hurricane on crystal meth.”

“Want coffee?" I asked, as I headed that way."It's three thirty in the morning.""Okay. Want coffee?”

“For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.”

“But, you're his son," I said, trying really hard to hate him. "You're the son of Satan. Literally.""And you are the stepdaughter of Denise Davidson."Wow. That was a bit harsh, but, "Okay, point taken.”

“A sheriff arrested me. I could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure my men-in-uniform fetish began that day. The sheriff was hot. And he handcuffed me. I've never been the same.”

“No, no, no, no, no. Anything but murder. Or rape. Or kidnapping. Or armed robbery. Or indecent exposure, ’cause that’s just creepy.”

“Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.”

“I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.”

“Come here often?' I asked instead, humoring no one but myself. So it was totally worth it.”

“I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I’ve been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it’s good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called.” “Which was to give me nightmares for the rest of my life?” “Oh, no, that’s just a plus. Why was I so scared of him?” “Hon, for one thing he was this powerful, massive, black smokelike being.”“So, you’re saying I’m a racist?”

“There is a great need for a sarcasm font.”

“Never trust a man with a penis.”

“I was in a mental asylum? When the fuck did that happen?”

“An integral part of any best friend's job is to immediately clear your computer history if you die.”

“I chose the road less traveled. Now I'm lost.”

“Time to make today my bitch.”

“Mistakes were made.Others were blamed.”

“You introduced me to Danger and Will Robinson, but you neglected to acquaint me with the other two.” “Fine,But you can’t make fun of their names. They’re very sensitive.” “I would never.” I pointed in the general vicinity of my left ovary, “This is Beam Me Up.” Then to my right. “And this is Scotty.”

“I gotta tell you, Davidson, I’m impressed,” he said. “That took balls.” “Please,” I said with a snort, “that took ovaries. Of which I have two.” “Have I mentioned that I’m a licensed gynecologist? If your ovaries ever need anything…”

“You were the one who hit me on the roof?I hit you on the jaw. We just happened to be on a roof at the time.”

“Can I jump in your body and make out with my wife through you?” I fought a grin. “It doesn’t really work that way.” “Then can you just make out with my wife and pretend I’m in your body?” “No.” “I can pay. I have money.” “How much we talking?”

“You’re just using me for my body.” “You don’t have a body,” I’d remind him. “Throw that in my face.” “Technically, you don’t have a face either.”

“We really should get some X-rays,” the EMT said. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT.”

“Whatever makes your balloon red, Swopes.”

“Is a frog’s ass watertight?”

“See you in a few. Hold down the fort, Mr. Wong!”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you," Cookie said. "Amber wants your dad to get a teriyaki machine so she can sing for all the lonely barflies." "I'm a good singer, mom." Only a twelve-year-old could make the word mom sound blasphemous. I leaned into Cookie, "Does she know its not called--?" "No," she whispered. "Are you gonna tell her?" "No. It's much funnier this way.”

“Did you get checked out?” “Yeah, by a hot blond who sat in the corner of the bar and made googly eyes at me.” “I meant by a doctor.” “No, but a balding yet bizarrely hot paramedic said I’d be fine." “Oh, and he’s an expert?” “At flirting.”

“Does your uncle need anything? A coffee? A latte?” “He needs someone to bear his illegitimate child if you’re interested”

“You can’t have him, okay,” she said from behind the wire barrier. “Mm-hmm,” I whispered. “This is certainly a beautiful neighborhood.” “Yeah, I guess.” “I will scratch those eyes out of your ugly head.”

“Let me express how much I don't care on a scale of one to bite me," the former detective said.”

“No. This has to do with drugs."My jaw fell open and I almost lost my toothbrush. "You're on drugs?"She pressed her mouth together. "No. You are.""I'm on drugs?" I asked, stunned. I had no idea.”

“Dude,” I said, leaning over the desk, “I’m about as psychic as a carrot.”

“Where the hell did my bones go?" I asked. This whole upright thing had me stumped.”

“I'd have a longer attention span if there weren't so many shiny things.”

“A split second later, my life flashed before my eyes, and I came to one important conclusion about it.It was fun while it lasted.”

“You would use your body to get what you want?""In a heartbeat."He was hurt. I could feel it echo through him. He stepped closer again, leveled his face inches from mine, and whispered in the softest of voices, “Whore.”

“This place is like crazy on crackers.”

“Somebody has to be sane during regular business hours, and it's not going to be me, missy.”

“Jesus may love you, but i'm his favourite”

“When fighting clowns, always go for the juggler.”