Debra Anastasia

“I’m surprised Cole let you stay. What we do here is slightly unconventional.” Bea looked suspicious and in-the-know at the same time.“I’m in love with his brother.” Saying this out loud to Bea felt like jumping out of an airplane—thrilling and irreversible. In that instant Livia knew her love for Blake was as real as the church walls around her.Bea took in Livia’s face with wise eyes. “Why, yes. Yes you are.”

“He has a home, Cole. He has a permanent home in my heart.”

“How dare you? How dare you, of all people, not have faith in him?” Livia shot back. “All that negativity? You believe it. That’s what he is to you? A burden?” Livia’s mouth stayed open with the shock of his words and her bravery.”

“I don’t trust you with him,” Cole continued. “I’m certain you’ll ruin him. You’ll want to make him be something other than what he is. He can’t change, Livia. He can’t be a normal husband or father—or man. He’ll never hold a job. He won’t provide you with a cushy house and a decent medical plan.” Cole’s anger was at odds with the peace of the darkened church. The wall candles flickered as if the change in energy had moved the air.”

“I prayed for you. Did you know that? Of course not. I’ve prayed for him to have someone like you since before we left foster care. Maybe it was a selfish prayer. I didn’t want to have to worry about Blake out here. And now you are here—an answer to prayer—and I resent you,” he said. His eyes held an ominous contempt that eerily reminded Livia of Eve the RoboBlonde.”

“Why can I not stop talking? Livia watched as Cole set the dripping candles on a small table. If I die of embarrassment, they can have my funeral right here.”

“Don’t come here again. Ever,” he said, but instead of a threat, this sounded like a declaration of affection.“Beckett, you can kiss my ass,” Livia countered. “I’ll be here if you need me—or if I need you.”Beckett winked before growling angrily, surveying the parking lot, and turning to go back inside.”

“I can tell you no one will touch him. Not now. The only person who’s a danger to Blake is Blake. And maybe you.”

“I still think she might kill me, but I can’t stop looking at her.”

“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I’m so damn glad you’re going to kill me instead of some brainless, toothless druggie.”

“I hit the streets first. So I knew what we were in for. I’m not a smart guy, but I can read a situation. To live in this world without a dime or a pot to piss in, you have to sell your soul or your body.”“I wouldn’t let them face that choice. I had six months to become the baddest motherfucker who ever lived. So I fucked up piles of people. I sold my soul, Livia, and I sold other people’s bodies. But when my brothers stepped out of our foster home for the last time, I had respect. Respect enough to keep their souls clean. I’m going to hell, Livia,” he said.“I’m going to hell for all three of us,” Beckett said defiantly. Only now did he pull his hand away.”

“She returned to the writhing man at Kyle’s feet. “These women are with me. If you even look at them again, I’ll turn your balls into Swiss cheese.”

“What the hell, Kyle? How many damn times have you snuck out of the house?”Kyle’s laugh filled the small car. “Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to. Now tell me more about this drug den.” Kyle cranked the heat up to full blast to counter the night wind as they drove.“Well, it was scary at eight-thirty in the morning, so at ten o’clock at night, we should crap our pants.”“Ah, good times. This should be fun,” Kyle said with a smile.”

“Liv, do you think you love him?” Kyle looked like she already knew the answer. “I feel like I’ve always loved him, and now I just got lucky enough to find him.”

“Remember two eighty-six. Livia now counted on the same sort of feverish, rain-soaked determination that had driven Blake to the train station for smile number two hundred eighty-six. Please be there. He has to be there.”

“Every morning and evening, Livia granted her eyes the only thing they asked for all day: a sweeping, hopeful look at the platform. And every time, her gut registered the punch of his absence.”

“On the ride home after a long day at school, Livia commanded her eyes to look at the floor of the train and not search for him. But they took direct orders from her heart and combed the platform as the train pulled in.”

“As Livia dug her keys out of her pocket, she saw that Blake had been to her car.It was covered with little bits of nature: long blades of grass, twigs, and stones. When she got closer she saw more. Blake had used the flora to spell sorry over and over on the hood. And the roof. And the trunk.”

“Four hundred sixty-seven,” he whispered. The number seemed to deflate him.He’s still counting. She couldn’t give up.”

“Fine. Okay. It can’t make things any worse, right? I’ve already thrown you on the ground…” Blake came close to her again.He took her face in his bloody hands and kissed her chastely on her lips. Her body surged with the memory of pleasure.”

“That moment…that moment out there?” Blake pointed at the bed of army jacket, grass, and mint. “I’ve pictured it in my head for months. Months! I knew it would never really happen, but it kept me going. The beautiful, smiling girl would look at me like a man—a man worthy of her body, worthy of her kiss. Do you realize what a fool I am for hoping?”Blake took her face in his hands. “You let me touch you. Kiss you. Your skin? It feels like piano keys. My hands know just where to go.” He proved it by sliding one hand behind her neck and settling the other just over her heart.”

“Blake jumped up again, clenching and unclenching his fists. “I hurt you. I’m useless,” he whispered harshly.“Stop. Stop, Blake.” She tried to speak calmly. “When you hurt yourself, it hurts me.” She reached out to take one of his bloody, torn hands.”

“But the things that were right about him I sort have been able to do for myself for a while now. His constant reminders used to feel like love, but now they feel like he wanted to take control of my life so I couldn’t. It hasn’t been right for me and I’ve been ignoring that. And now I think I was waiting for you. I know I was waiting for you,” Livia said as she trapped his hand against her cheek.”

“It’s his story to tell—or not tell,” he said, not meeting her eyes. “Do you see those stained glass windows? They’re beautiful, but you can’t see their true magnificence until sunlight touches them. I believe Blake’s the same way.”

“You’ve no idea what you’re getting involved with.” Cole closed his eyes. He seemed to be reaching inside to calm himself.Livia took a step out of the pew. “Cole, I can’t turn back now. My life leads to his. It’s as simple as that.”“Two months.” Cole looked doubtful.“Four hundred forty-six smiles, plus two months of talking twice a day, five times a week,” Livia corrected.”

“With all due respect, never, ever refer to Blake as ‘the worst thing’ in my presence again.”

“You smiled that night. He was adamant that it had lasted longer than the others.” Cole looked at her with troubled brown eyes. “Livia, if I may be so bold, he’s going to take your kindness very seriously. If you’re playing a game, or trying to get even with a boyfriend by dating the worst thing you could find—”Livia held up one hand to stop him. “With all due respect, never, ever refer to Blake as ‘the worst thing’ in my presence again.”To Livia’s surprise, Cole almost smiled.”

“Four hundred forty-six,” Cole whispered.“What?” she asked.He kept his head down in what seemed to be a prayer. “He counts. You’ve smiled at him four hundred and forty-six times as of a few minutes ago. He announces the number every time I see him.”“I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t think you were real. Considering my line of work, I should have more faith in humanity.” Cole shook his head. “I think it was smile two hundred eighty-six that drove me the most crazy. It was the night train. Blake was so sick, feverish. Honestly, I was considering taking him to the hospital. But no. He didn’t want to miss a smile. He wouldn’t even let me drive him. Blake walked the whole way in the pouring rain for number two eighty-six.”

“Beckett pulled Livia back into the room by her belt. “Loving that guy is the only thing I’ve ever done right,” he said. “Please don’t break his heart.”Livia nodded, eyes wide. Beckett’s soul was talking to her, not the tough bad boy he seemed to pretend to be.”

“Livia ignored Beckett’s hand to give him a hug and kiss on the cheek. “Thank you for watching over him before I knew him,” she whispered.”

“Beckett took a step back. “First things first, you weren’t lying. She’s absolutely gorgeous.” Beckett let his gaze roam from Livia’s boots to the top of her head. “And you know I’m an expert.”

“This is a great first date.” Livia huddled closer to Blake.“This isn’t our first date. I count all the breakfasts. Don’t worry, Livia, none of these people will harm us.” He seemed confident.“You’re that scary?” Livia whispered.“No, but Beckett is,” Blake said.”

“Livia wondered what, exactly, Beckett did for a living. Her question was soon answered. Everything bad.”

“You remind me of a fairy tale princess. You’re so kind.”“Did you not see me smash that guy’s phone? I never saw Cinderella attack a lisping dude.” Livia closed one eye while reliving her actions.“No, I guess not. You’re my kind of princess, then.” Blake ran his hands through her hair.”

“Looks like you dropped your phone,” Livia challenged. As soon as it skittered to a stop, Livia brought one of her sturdy boots down on top of it with a satisfying crunch. “And lookie there. It broke. If you ever talk about my future children again, I’ll feed you your own balls, assuming you have any.”

“When he’d composed himself, Blake kissed the top of her head. “Like I could ever say no to you.”

“He placed his hand under hers gently and straightened her fingers. His touch felt like fire and ice and commanded her complete attention.”

“Livia set her bags down and walked right into him, feeling his arms close around her. She found the crook of his neck and placed a kiss there. She ran her hands all over his face and through his hair. Here. He’s here.”

“Come home with me. I can’t leave you here like this.” This time her voice cracked.“My angel, you forget, you have to go make Mrs. Grandma her meal.” Blake ran the back of his bandaged hand down Livia’s cheek.“Please. I won’t be able to breathe from worrying about you.” Livia didn’t care how crazy she sounded.“I don’t think that’s prudent. I don’t want you bringing me home like a stray cat.” His defenses were climbing back up. She’d asked too much.“Okay. I’ll see you Monday then?” The words felt like sandpaper on glass. Rough and unwanted.“Yes, sweet Livia. I’ll be here. Have no worries.” He leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead.”

“Blake insisted on helping her pick up the things she’d dropped, even though his pain had him breathing through his teeth.If he doesn’t die, I’m going to kill him for being stubborn.”

“Blake, will you let me take you to the ER?” She already knew his answer.“No, I can’t pay for their services.” He was adamant.Dignified, proud.”

“Livia now saw clearly what she needed to do. She would break up with Chris this weekend. She sighed with satisfaction and the lingering effects of Blake’s kiss, now tattooed on her heart.”

“Livia watched the man turn bright red. She heard Blake’s words in her mind, You’re not invisible to them.Well, screw them. That was the best kiss of my life, and these jerks were lucky to witness it.”

“Livia had never wanted anything more than to taste his lips right then.“Would you mind very much if I kissed you?” she whispered.Blake shook his head.Livia leaned in and took a gentle kiss. His lips were soft, and they tasted perfect. The smell of his skin combined with that wonderful taste almost made her collapse.Blake steadied her by placing his hand against her chest. His splayed fingers must have felt how fast her heart was beating. Livia pulled back just a bit to see his eyes again. They were half closed and shimmering.It was his turn to whisper. “Would you mind very much if I kissed you?”She shook her head and waited, very still. Blake lifted his other hand to touch her face. Livia had to work not to press her skin into his fingers. His touch was light as a breeze. He traced the features of her face. He trailed his fingers down to her throat and up to her earlobe. He’s so gentle.As soon as the thought flashed through Livia’s mind, Blake grabbed a fistful of her hair, yanking it enough to make her gasp. Then he kissed the living hell out of her.Oh, oh, OH. Livia felt her arms begin to shake, and Blake took more of her weight onto his forearm. She’d had no idea kissing was an art form. She knew now.”

“The pull toward him came from her center. Her eyes never left his face as she moved to her hands and knees. She crawled slowly over the blanket, the breakfast, his legs, until her hands rested on either side of his hips. His smile lifted only on one side. He took care to stay very still, but his mouth opened slightly as she approached. This close to Blake she could smell him. Fresh, sweet fall leaves and mint.”

“Am I the star in this story or you?” Blake wrinkled his nose and chuckled. “Was that a bad analogy? I meant we’re the star, Livia. Us. This.” He shrugged his shoulders like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Us being in the same atmosphere is either a great cosmic catastrophe or the most serendipitous rendezvous.” Blake pronounced the French word like a closeted foreign language teacher.”

“Livia, you’re too kind. I’ll take this breakfast as a token of our friendship—thank you—but do you ever do anything just for yourself?” Blake lifted the sandwich and waited for her answer.“Talking to you.” She watched him go motionless as her filter yet again refused to engage. “I do that because I’m addicted to the feeling it gives me.”

“He was sitting this time and kept his head tilted down as he peered up at her. It looked just like an image from a fashion magazine. Blake was so handsome—Livia couldn’t believe the other women on the platform weren’t taking cell phone pictures of him.”

“Please don’t think of me that way. Let me be the guy at the train station.”“You’re not the guy at the train station. You’re my Blake.”

“She’d been with Blake for over an hour. It felt like minutes.”