Debra Anastasia

“Cole turned and went down the stairs to wait for the inevitable. Soon Blake would descend the stairs and into madness.But Blake had only taken his favorite parts from Cole’s little speech. Livia had tried to find him. Livia needed him to keep her safe. Blake turned to face the organ. The keys had danced mockingly like disjointed puzzle pieces before, but now…Now they waited obediently. His hands knew them. His hands could sweep them together and create.So he did.He leapt right over the Ave Maria as if Livia held his hand to help him jump.No more Ave Maria.His hands flew over the organ, composing, painting, revealing all that was within him. Blake would show Livia all he had inside for her. If she was looking for him, she didn’t hate him. If she was looking for him, he was allowed to love her.Even if Cole was right and Blake didn’t have the common sense to be with her, he could watch her, like a knight and his queen. He could protect her so she never faced anyone like Dentist again.Blake was allowed to love Livia. And he did.Blake loves Livia.”

“She came to find me. She came to find me,” Blake said. His voice was a mixture of revelation and revulsion. “Do you think, Cole, that I could love her? Could I have a life with her?”

“The music sounded crazy. Crazy—as if Blake had never known how to create a coherent song on a musical instrument.Maybe this Livia thing has finally broken him. A soul like Blake’s can’t make it in this world.”

“Cole updated Beckett:Stay where u r. Not sure how this will go. He’s playing now.Cole glanced at Beckett’s response:Ave Fuckong Mariea?Cole wondered how to put it:No, just noise. Not music.Beckett’s next message had no typos:Shit”

“Cole, I know I haven’t earned it, but would you mind very much if I tried the organ?” Blake’s voice filled the empty church.Cole smiled sadly. “Of course, brother. It would be an honor to hear you play again.”Cole’s despair settled into his bones. His crying soul now had the worst kind of company: another soul crying just as loud.”

“Cole had made this commitment to save Beckett from hell. So he had to keep it, no matter how endlessly his soul cried in the corner of the church, begging and reaching for Kyle. At that moment he’d built a wall between her soul and his. Confusion turned to anger, which turned to panic as Kyle tried desperately to bring him back, to reconnect.She tried to kiss the truth out of him, but he turned his head and held her at bay. She fell to her knees, but he just shook his head. His future was predetermined. Even if banishing this newborn love sliced his heart in half, it had to be done.”

“He kissed Kyle, checking to see that her eyes stayed sure and real. They did. Instead of saint and sinner, they were man and woman now. When Cole finally tasted her skin, the flavor was honeysuckle. Heaven was not something he had to die to enjoy. Kyle was here now.”

“That pew became a confessional. There, with a fully clothed, fully present Kyle, he left his plans for lifelong commitment to only the Church in a smoldering pile. This woman, this broken, brave, perfect woman was what he needed. They talked again—about funny parishioners and childhood stories. Anything they thought, they said.”

“Kyle, please. Stop. This isn’t you. You aren’t even here anymore,” Cole said softly with his arms around her.Kyle blinked and shook her head. Shame. Again.Then she fought him desperately—eyeing her scattered clothes and the door.“You don’t have to do this for me. I don’t want a show.” Cole put his hands on her face and kissed her lips gently. For the first time.Their separated souls rejoiced and found each other again. He lifted her off the altar and set her on her feet.“Be you for me, Kyle. Be the Kyle you’re so very afraid of being. I’ll keep her safe.” Cole skimmed his lips along her cheek and looked at her hopefully.Kyle gazed into his eyes and nodded solemnly. The moment seemed bigger than the two of them.Cole asked permission. “Kyle McHugh, may I worship you?”A tear fell from her eye as she whispered, “Yes.”Cole took a step back and whipped the cloth off her shoulders. She was no vixen now. Kyle looked terrified. She clenched her fists, as if willing herself not to run. Cole turned and gathered her scattered clothes. He found her panties and took them to her, kneeling at her feet. Kyle looked puzzled, but as he worked the panties up her legs, she got it. Unlike all the other men, he was dressing her.”

“In the sanctity of this place, the center of his purpose, Kyle was everywhere he looked. He almost laughed when he remembered how he’d questioned Livia’s devotion to Blake after knowing him such a short time, but he didn’t make a sound. Even a week with Kyle would feel like forever. Cole looked over at the two pews where they’d stood when he first saw her.When their eyes locked it had been like a head-on collision—jarring, shocking, and something he wasn’t fast enough to stop. When their hands touched, their souls had stepped out of their bodies and joined. But Kyle and Cole could only stand in shocked stillness. Cole knew at some point he’d sent Livia on her way, his eyes never leaving Kyle.His sole focus had been on keeping her. That was all he knew for sure. He had to keep her there until his soul was done seducing hers. Eventually they’d moved to sit next to each other. His soul had begun an intimate exploration of hers, without asking his permission, and Cole had to talk as if he wasn’t affected at all. As he gazed at Kyle, her wide eyes made him believe she felt exactly the same.”

“This is going to be a long night. But Livia wasn’t leaving. Tonight he’ll be here.”

“By the time she got there, she knew Blake had been right. She sounded like a herd of buffalo in the wild.”

“Instead of sounding like a Beckett-style threat, Dr. Lavender’s observation solidified something. Livia would live for love. Today will count.”

“Your Blake is mourning something. I think that pain is manifesting as his glass-skin delusions. You’re going to have to approach him as if he’s in one of those tents I walk into. My advice is this: Listen, Livia. Listen to him. Saying words out loud can heal.”

“There. Now as long as I have my arm, I’ll remember to stay away from Livia McHugh.He rolled down the sleeve on his filthy shirt, covering the bloody, freshly tattooed word: Sorry.”

“I don’t have anything to pay you with now,” Blake said, turning toward Chaos. “But just tell me how much, and I’ll make sure this debt is paid.”Chaos shrugged. “Dude, I owe Beckett. Just let him know.”Blake nodded and stood. Of course. Everyone owes Beckett something.”

“Number 1 was the hardest to think about now. After. But Blake let himself go there as Chaos pressed into the deepest punctures.Blake liked the train station because the trains offered reliable percussion for the songs he played in his head. When Livia had first stepped onto the platform, Blake had tried his hardest not to stare. He knew moneyed people didn’t like their women getting ogled by the homeless. But she was so friendly, even in this place where people built their own personal bubbles and stayed in them. When she smiled she looked like a walking ray of the sunshine he had to avoid.Her eyes had found his and shocked him. Blake was used to the blank, anesthetized eyes of those looking everywhere but at him. Her smile was resuscitation for his soul.Me! She sees me.”

“Number 198 was wonderful too. Blake had watched a good-looking and ridiculously pretentious guy hit on Livia. The fancy man dropped expensive name after name as he showed her all his accessories. When he finally pulled out his wallet to show her a “highly desirable luxury credit card” Livia had rolled her eyes in Blake’s direction with smile number 198. He’d had to swallow a snicker when he heard her tell the fancy man she was debt free and didn’t even have credit cards.Blake knew that was a lie because he’d seen her pay for tickets with a card at the train station. That made number 198 a secret joke between just the two of them.”

“Number 134 was one of the best. Livia had dropped her cell phone and cursed quietly, but creatively: “Hairy-ass bitch.” She’d felt Blake’s watchful eyes on her and given him an embarrassed smile. Number 134 made Blake realize she was a real, live girl.On that day he’d had hope. Maybe a girl flawed enough to curse would someday say hello out loud. To him.”

“How did I do that to her? Her? Punching trees and screaming? She must have been terrified.Soon his hands would heal, so he might forget the pain he’d caused her. He’d left her in the woods. Left her. Watching her find her car and punch it with the same delicate hand she’d put so trustingly in his was too much.”

“Chaos poked him again, and Blake welcomed the pain this time. This pain will remind me why I shouldn’t find her.Blake hated his weakness, but he let the pain transport him back to the clearing, to her face. He vowed it would be the last time, but he wanted to remember her noises and panting as he tasted her soft skin. She smelled like cinnamon.Blake tried to see her face in his memory: trusting Livia, submitting to his hands and tongue. Instead he saw her pain as she told him she didn’t see his skin turn to glass in the sun. She’d tried to hide her knowing.Brave, beautiful Livia. She’d stood there waiting and never even flinched when he ran past. He could have plowed into her. Blake knew what it took to stay still when your mind screamed Run! A person had to find a place inside to die while things they didn’t want happened to their body.”

“The blood that pooled around the needle’s point reminded him of the smears he’d made on his beautiful angel’s face. He’d touched Livia with his craziness and left a mark.”

“Rick, you sick, ass-sucking fuck, I want you to know I’m not here because you beat me. I’m not even here just because you beat children. There are lots of ways I could get you for that. But you’re going to die like the gasping pussy you are because…” Beckett advanced until he was nose to nose with Rick.“You.” Beckett pushed on Rick’s shoulder until he kneeled.“Touched.” Beckett leveled the pistol between Rick’s eyes.“My.” Beckett cocked the hammer with a quiet click.“Brothers.” Beckett smiled as he pulled the trigger.”

“Then one night Blake had saved them all.Blake made the old organ into a tool. You could see right into his soul through the notes he played. Beckett knew why Blake had Jesus’ eyes. Kindness, hope, and light filled the music he played.”

“In the woods the three broken boys had bonded, bound together by punches they could not return. They survived together.”

“Sometime later, Cole entered the situation. Beckett wasn’t sure if Blake had confided in Cole or if Cole just stumbled upon the ritual, but one night he joined Blake and Beckett. And then there were three.”

“Beckett now got half the beating he used to get. Rick didn’t know that with every punch he was pounding his own coffin closed, but Beckett knew.”

“Every night after that, Blake would show up and stand next to Beckett, head down, hands still.”

“Beckett, you’re doing this for people who don’t even know you’re protecting them. We’re in the shade here. I can do this. Let me do this. I can’t stand by and watch.”Beckett thought for a moment, saying nothing. Blake had taken the beating like a pro. Too good to be his first time.”

“The next evening, Beckett had waited for Rick in his usual spot, head down and hands clasped in front like a condemned army cadet. As Rick approached, the sound of a solid punch suddenly snapped Beckett to attention. Blake stood in front Beckett with his arm in obvious recoil from the blow he’d landed on Rick.But instead of starting a brawl, Blake had assumed Beckett’s position, hands holding one another in submission. “I’d like to take Beckett’s beatings for tonight, if that would be acceptable,” he said.”

“Rick’s a beater. He likes it. When I first got here, he beat all the kids. I told him I wanted to take it for everybody.” Beckett had shrugged like he’d just eaten the last cookie. “I’m a big fucking bastard. I can handle it.”

“Why aren’t you fighting back?” Blake finally asked one night as Beckett lay on his bed.“I told you not to come the fuck out there, didn’t I?” Beckett hissed.“I like the woods,” Blake said. “I don’t like knowing what he does to you.”

“Have you ever seen such an ugly damn cat?” Beckett had said with a wry smile. “Aren’t kittens supposed to be all cute and shit?” He liked this kid.”

“It was nice of you to help that ungrateful little girl out.” Blake unloaded his belongings onto his bed.“Ah, I’ve got a soft spot for kids. They’re so fucking little.”

“There were a lot of illegal, deadly things stored in Beckett’s car, but the only thing he kept hidden was the CD he now pulled out from under the driver’s seat. He slipped it in the player and turned on the power, letting the classical music sweep over him like a cool breeze. It was the soundtrack of his boys. The music that saved them. Blake’s music.”

“He kept messing with her, trying to get her to sleep with him, but Eve had yet to do anything but tease him. In a world full of whores and junkies, not getting laid was a huge turn-on.”

“If I watched your church burn down, would you kill me?”Cole looked suspicious. “No, and that’s a bizarre question.”“If I watched Kyle die, would you kill me?”Cole’s eyes practically glowed red.Beckett nodded. “You might already have the answer to what’s hurting you.”

“She’s braver than she needs to be,” he continued. “Maybe, just maybe, she could be the one.”

“Cole grabbed a fistful of his own hair. “Beckett, I met the most amazing girl this morning. I can’t think straight.”

“Hey, Dad, if I needed to check someone’s background, would you be able to do that for me?”“That’s a little unethical, Liv.” John smoothed his mustache. “Is this about a boy?”Livia cringed. “Yeah, it is.”“Then absolutely. I’d be happy to.”

“Livia felt her cheeks pink up like they’d been slapped. “We worked it out. She knows where things, um, go now.” Kill me.”

“I’d rather have you in my life than Margret. I’m not sorry you’re here.” Livia hugged Kyle again, trying to seal her love into her broken sister.”

“Do you know how many guys I’ve been with?” Kyle asked, meeting her eyes for just a moment. “So many. You know why? Because in that moment, just before you let them fuck you, you’re the center of their universe. It lasts just seconds, but I like that feeling. I crave that feeling.“This morning—last night? Whenever it was, standing in that church in front of him? I had that feeling. I was the center of his universe. And we had all our clothes on. That feeling lasted for hours.” Kyle closed her eyes as if to transport herself back there.”

“Kyle looked at the car floor. “Livia, if you’ve ever loved me, even a little, you’ll take me away from here. Please, I’m begging you.”

“As she left the church, shaking her head, she heard Cole saying Kyle’s name again and again. It was like he’d just discovered fire, and Kyle was the main ingredient.”

“Livia patted Kyle’s shoulder condescendingly. “Look at that! You did all that complaining without cursing. That’s a good girl.”

“Peace be with you, Livia,” he said. He leaned down to her ear as he hugged her. “Maybe you’re more than I thought you were.”

“We were married for sixty-two years before he passed,” Bea said. “I still can’t take a deep breath without smelling his scent.” Her face filled with strength, rather than tears. “We had a good life. He always made me laugh. Loving him was a wonderful way to pass my time here. And someday we’ll be together again.”

“You’re a nice girl, Livia. Love is sacred. Hold onto it. I know a lot at my age. Everything else fails you—money, possessions, sex. But love never fails.”

“I’m in love with his brother.” Saying this out loud to Bea felt like jumping out of an airplane—thrilling and irreversible. In that instant Livia knew her love for Blake was as real as the church walls around her.”