Debra Anastasia

“Blake turned to Livia. “We were never formally introduced. When your father sees me at the train station from his patrol car, he often stops by later in the day with a bagged meal that he refuses to let me turn down. You, Livia, inherit your generous nature from him.”

“Livia reached out to touch Blake’s lower back. She outlined a heart with her finger. I’m proud of you, no matter what happens here.”

“Cole knew what the chemical smell on the cloth over his nose meant. He took one breath, and his last conscious thought was simple: Kyle.”

“Did you get anything back from him? What’d he say? Kill her?” asked one of the attackers.I love you. Dear Jesus. I love her. No. No.”

“This was his safe, comforting church. His soul had finally found the arms of his beloved. Kyle.”

“He tried not to topple the tray as he hurried down the hallway to his small room. Kyle was all his for a few more hours. He let the happiness come from his feet to the top of his head.”

“His kisses were so mind-numbing that when Blake said, “Car door,” it took Livia a few seconds to remember she spoke English.“Dad. Oh. My dad’s home.”

“This is what nibbling your ear sounds like.” Blake created a soundtrack for his teeth.“This is what looking into your eyes sounds like.” The notes were deep and beckoning.“This is what my mind hears when my tongue is in your mouth.” The kiss sounded steamy and delicate. The rhythm was her heartbeat as he sampled her mouth.“But when you smile. When you smile it’s…” Blake scooted the keyboard around behind her. He needed both hands.She put her hands on his face and smiled in amazement as the music exploded. She couldn’t imagine how her simple facial gesture could inspire such a majestic sound.He smiled back. “One thousand nine hundred and ten.”“So many? Really?”“Yes, really. And it’s not nearly enough. I want to lose count, Livia. Make me lose count.” His hands left the beautiful music and grabbed handfuls of her hair.”

“He checked her face first to see if she was all right, then dropped his eyes to the keyboard. It was like someone had plugged him in. His eyes widened, his mouth dropped open, and he stretched his fingers.“Will you play it, Blake? Will you?” Livia almost jumped with excitement.Blake covered his smile. He nodded. Livia plopped the keyboard on the kitchen table, which was still moist from where he’d wiped it with the kitchen sponge.Blake kissed her and then spoke solemnly. “I’ll play it for you.”

“Livia nodded. Seeing him puttering around in her kitchen, turning on the familiar faucet, solidified her feeling of destiny. She knew, staring at his back, that he would not go hungry again. She would have him, warm and safe, with her every day. It was perfectly clear. She would need to talk with her father. It was time for her to be on her own.”

“Livia, I’ve imposed enough. I don’t need to take any more of your food.”Livia shook her head as well. “Yes. Yes, you do. You really do. I need to see you eat until you’re full. That will be a gift to me. A pleasure for me. Be full—that’s all I ask in return for making you this meal.”

“Livia grinned. He peeled his attention from the sizzling meal and put his hands on the counter behind her, trapping her.Livia held her spatula as Blake whispered in her ear. “I see us just like this a hundred years from now, old and deaf. I’ll be the luckiest man.”Emotion caught her—this was all she wanted. Simple, beautiful frittata moments with this man.“Someday, Livia, I’ll be man enough to buy the food,” he continued. “I’ll give you an oven. I’ll try so hard.”Livia leaned up and stopped his proclamations with her lips. After tender kisses, she gave her mouth enough room to promise back. “Blake, I’ll never care if I have an oven. Just you.”

“Can I make you something to eat?” She watched his lips for an answer.“I wouldn’t want to trouble you.” Blake smiled.He knows I won’t give up. “You’re my favorite kind of trouble. Please?” Livia batted her eyelashes and pouted elaborately.“Yes, tempting Livia, you may feed me. Thank you.” He touched her lips with a single finger.”

“She stepped into him again, needing the contact to keep her heart rhythm steady. Blake rubbed the center of her back. It was a long, comforting moment before she was able to think of anything other than his strong fingers.”

“He kept his hand on her lower back as they headed for the house.Halfway up the walk, she could take the tingling no longer. She whirled and hugged him. He squeezed her back and whispered something into her hair. She listened to his breathing and relaxed in the circle of his arms.“Should we get inside before your Dad pulls up and finds me ravishing you on this cement path?” he said, more clearly now. She could hear the snicker in his voice.”

“You’re so real. You have a bedroom and a brush. All the times I waited for you, I could never picture where you came from—what had made you so extraordinarily different. But you made you different.” Blake ran his hand along his neck, smiling shyly in her direction.“There are a million girls just like me.” Livia almost hated to point that out.“No. There’s only you.” Blake looked away from her and squinted into the sun.Look at him looking into the sunlight!”

“Cole tilted her chin so he could look deeply into her eyes. “Kyle, you are my heaven. Will you come with me?”“I will.” Kyle snuggled deeper into his chest, gently tracing his Sorry tattoo.Cole’s heart beat like the pounding of an angel’s wings.”

“When Cole’s kisses lingered on her belly button, she crossed her legs.“Are you okay?” He appeared instantly at her eye level, worried.“I’m fine. I just, I never let a guy…um, well, they never wanted to. It’s not what I do.” Kyle’s eyes looked everywhere but his.“Is it because you don’t think you’d like it, or you don’t think you deserve it?”She bit her lip and looked away again. He saw her answer.“You do deserve it,” he said fiercely. “Can I give it to you?”

“When he got to her dress strap, he watched her eyes as he slid it off her shoulder. She smiled her unquestionably Kyle smile. Still present.“I’m still here,” she said in a playful voice. But she was. She was still there.“Kyle, will you come to my bed?” Cole would take this so slowly.“I will.” Kyle followed as he led her to his simple twin bed, covered in a plain tan comforter.”

“Kyle nodded and bit her lip. She looked nervous as a virgin. “This feels like jumping off a cliff,” she finally said.“I’ll only do this if you want me to. Do you want me to?” Cole took a step back.Kyle reached around and unzipped her sundress. She held her arms out like a sacrificial lamb.“Say it, so I know for sure.” Cole’s eyes glowed with lust and reverence.“I want you to.” Kyle watched him.”

“And they had no idea what lives inside me, what I can do.”“I know what you do to me,” Kyle said, finding his eyes. “It’s everything right, honest, and good.” She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his lips.“Kyle, I’m intense and devoted, and I need a lot of direction just to get through my day.”“Cole, I’m impulsive and devoted and hopeless. I have a filthy mouth, and I don’t see it cleaning up anytime soon.”“I would like to make love to you. Here. Right now,” Cole said, continuing his confession. “But I’m afraid I’ll lose you, that you’ll leave your body and go somewhere else. Will you stay with me?”“I’m your shadow now, Cole. I’ll be where you are.” Kyle set her jaw, determined.“Okay,” he said. “This is how it’ll go. I’m going to give you pleasure. And you’re going to take it. No reciprocating.” He instantly saw doubt in her face. “Please, this time—which will be the first of so many—let me make you happy. Let my touch cleanse you. When I’m done, I want your body to belong just to us.” He could feel himself smiling, just thinking about it.”

“Kyle, will you come with me?” He whispered the words against her forehead between kisses. His hands traveled over her back as if the Bible were written in Braille on her sundress.“I’m your shadow now, Cole. I’ll be where you are.” Kyle smiled, her eyes steady on his.”

“COLE HELD KYLE AS gently as he could manage. He wanted to pull her inside of him. Kneeling with her in the church had saved him. He realized now that she was his angel. There would be no denying her again.”

“I think I need to get home and talk to my dad. He’ll be worried if he doesn’t see us. Would you like to meet him?”“I’d be honored,” Blake said with a nod.”

“Blake climbed in her passenger seat and pushed his mask up to reveal his face—even with the sun out! Livia kissed him and kissed him and kissed him. When she started her car, she was sure her cheeks would crack from smiling so much.”

“Blake?” Livia closed one eye while she waited.“Livia.” He was still there.“You waited,” Livia whispered.“Of course. I’ll always wait.”Livia smiled wider than she thought possible.”

“As Livia parked her in the lobby, Bea offered a suggestion with her gentle hug. “You might want to go back and close those church doors. Fumigating is best done in private.”

“Some days I still miss fumigating. I did get three beautiful children from the process. Fumigation can be wonderful.” She settled back into her wheelchair.Livia jumped around to kneel in front of her. “Oh, please don’t say anything to anyone. It’s my sister in there with him. I bet he feels so guilty about it.”Bea gave a delighted cackle. “I’m sure guilty isn’t exactly the right description of Mr. Cole right now.” Her eyes softened. “Sweet Livia, young people can only learn with time, but maybe you can get a leg up. There’s no shame in true love. And if Mr. Cole thinks he has some big secret, he’s wrong. At my age, you can spot a man in love from a mile away. My friends and I probably knew before he did.”

“Oh, no! The ladies from next door are headed to the church where Cole and Kyle are. What should I do?”“Assuming they’re being…amorous right now, I would highly suggest a diversion.” Blake sounded amused.”

“Well, fortunately for me, Mouse’s windows are tinted far beyond the legal limit. It’s like sitting inside a giant pair of sunglasses. I’m wearing the mask as a hat instead.”“You’re being courageous,” she said. “I think you’re noble.” She felt her heart fill with the picture of his victory in the sun.“I feel very noble talking on a pink phone.” He gave a self-deprecating chuckle.”

“The colors are amazing. This yarn in the passenger seat has perfect browns. It reminds me of your hair.”Livia touched her tresses, wishing they were tangled in his hands.”

“Um…It looks like a—oh! It looks like a bunny. Aww, that’s so stinking cute.”The sun melted the cloud a bit, like cotton candy in the heat. Eventually, the cloud finished its dance with the sun and escaped as a circular blob.Livia bit her lip. “Well, that went from a romantic moment to horrifying bunny torture.”Blake laughed, and she wanted to put her head on his chest and feel it rumble through him like a happy earthquake.”

“She held her breath as it stopped ringing and connected.“Hello, beautiful Livia,” Blake answered.“How did you know it was me?” Livia saw her wide smile in the rear view mirror.“The phone looked sexier when it rang.”She could hear a matching smile in his voice and sighed. Livia hugged herself with her free arm. Just the sound of him made her skin beg to be touched.”

“No one will hear this one, so you should be able to get out of here. I’m so sorry. I caused you the most unimaginable pain. It would be my honor to die at your hand, if it gives you even a moment’s peace.”

“But then Cole ran for her, sliding on his knees to close the final distance between his hands and her skin. Kyle wrapped his head in her arms, cradling him.“My sweet Cole. That’s better. That’s better.” Kyle braced her hands on his shoulders and slowly lowered herself to her knees. She put her hands on his cheeks and waited until he looked at her. “You forgot something last night.”Cole looked puzzled.“You made me promise you something. Now you owe me a promise.”Cole nodded somberly.“Be the real Cole. Promise me you will be you.” Kyle’s voice was strong and sure.Cole felt his heart soar with her embrace, settling the feelings inside him. “Kyle, I’ve done so much wrong. I think I’m done being the real Cole. How much hurt can I cause?” He could hardly speak through his fear.She smiled again. “I’ve done my own share of wrong, but look. Look around. We’re in the perfect place.”The church looked like paradise. A frame of broken rainbows arched above the lovers on their knees.Cole held her face to his, whispering, “Help me.”Kyle gave him the absolution he needed with her lips.”

“The church door creaked, and Cole stood to greet the ladies.The air left the church in a whoosh as Kyle entered.Kyle.She waited in the doorway, her white sundress and trench coat fluttering like flags in the breeze. She ran a hand through her hair, all soft and wild. She looked like a heavenly messenger.”

“He’d stood like a baby deer. He lurched toward her with no grace at all. She enclosed him in a hug that was so much better than a restraint. She’d patted his head just like a mother. Like a mother who cared.Cole’s body had heaved with tears. She kept hugging him. She handed his heart back the dreams it had thrown away.“That’s it, sweetheart. Let it out.” She rubbed his back.Her shirt was soaked by the time he stopped crying. They sat down together again.“I’ve read your file,” Mrs. D said. “What your parents did to you was terrible. It was a horrible, horrible mistake. You should’ve been cherished. You should’ve been treated like the beautiful little boy you are. They were wrong, Cole.” She held his hand. “I’m sorry for what they did to you.”Cole’s mind had flashed with images from his time before Evergreen. The cage. The belt. The drugs. They still made him feel scared.“You’re going to make it. You’ll be a great, thoughtful, proud man. I can see it. I know it as sure as I know my name.” She wouldn’t let go of his hand.“I’m always awful. How can you know that?” Cole’s voice remained thick with tears.“I’ve been doing this job for twenty-five years. I know a good one when I see him.”

“I hit you. Won’t that make you go away? What else can I do?” he snarled. He’d fallen back on his old standby, anger.“I’m not going away, Cole, so maybe we can cut out the assaults in the future. You don’t want me to go away. I know that. You love me, Cole. That’s the feeling that makes you so angry.” She’d sighed and looked at the ceiling. “You don’t know what to do with it, because the people you’ve loved in the past caused you pain. That’s what you think love is. Pain.”She’d looked at his face until he met her eyes. They were still green.“But, Cole, I love you. Have I hurt you? Ever?”Cole had to shake his head. She hadn’t. Not once.“I’m showing you what to do with love, Cole.” She stood and held out her arms.A hug. A simple hug he didn’t have to earn by throwing a chair. Human contact that wasn’t required because he was trying to hurt someone. She still trusted him. She still saw something in him.”

“Cole had curled into a ball on the mat. Mrs. D will never spend time with me again. He felt his brain crumble with sorrow. He’d been there a while before he heard her.“Are you okay, Cole?” She’d walked in slowly.Cole’s head snapped up so quickly, he didn’t have time to hide the love in his eyes. He looked at the floor immediately.”

“He knew she saw it coming. He saw the pain in her eyes, but it wasn’t from his fist. She was disappointed.Disappointed in me.Cole started running. He hit the side door and let it bang loudly against the building. He ran full tilt toward the busy road. This is it. I’m going down. Finally.”

“He was serious. He didn’t want her to hold him close. He didn’t want to pretend she was his mother. He didn’t want to imagine going home in her car to pet her black labs. He didn’t want to dream about sitting down to a home-cooked spaghetti dinner at her kitchen table with her family. Those things would never be his. He watched her eyes switch from hazel to green.”

“Kyle took it without thanks. “I have to get to that church. He needs me today. I just know it.”

“Livia went to the front closet to find a coat for her sister. After some shuffling, Livia found the white trench coat Kyle had nicknamed “The Romantical.”

“Blake pulled Livia close. “I’ll miss the hell out of you,” he whispered.Livia leaned into his ticklish breath. “I’ll never look at fall leaves the same way.”

“Blake held his hand out, palm up, and Livia slid hers into it. Her heart snuggled into its happiness. The sight of his fingers made her forget what she was about to say.”

“You’re a huge sucking asshole,” Livia agreed. “You have everything at your fingertips. You’re healthy, smart, fun, and highly fashionable. But instead you’re buying problems you don’t even want. Let the death of at least one and maybe two scumbags have a little meaning. Be the real you. Follow your beautiful heart.”

“Well, then I’m going to have to kick your ass. No one gets to punish you. Enough of this shit, Kyle. You’re more than this. You know better than this. Yes, Mom left. But Dad stayed. I stayed. You’re more than enough for us. This is our family. You don’t get to throw away your life. I’m sorry, but you don’t. This is self-serving bullshit.”

“I’m safe in the meadow with you,” he’d told her as they dressed. “But you, Livia, are extraordinary. You’ve seen me differently since that first day on the train platform. What if they still judge me?” He’d looked so longingly at the mask on the ground when they were ready to leave.“Blake, you were amazing today,” she’d told him. “If covering up makes you more comfortable, that’s what you should do. You’ve climbed a mountain, so it’s okay to rest.” Livia had picked up the mask and handed it to him.”

“His heart actually stumbled when he remembered her pain. He immediately knelt by her head.“Eve, how can I fix this? Tell me what to do. I’ll do anything.” He moved her hair out of her face.Eve let his words lay in the room with them for a while before she uttered her blasphemous ones. “When I’m with you, it doesn’t hurt as bad.”He picked her up again, surprised—now that he could think—at how much she weighed. This girl’s pure muscle.He sat on the couch with her on his lap. Starting over. “I’m so sorry, Eve.”Eve touched the new marks on his chest, lines that linked all his past violence with a path of red, new pain. “I know you are, Beck. I know you are.”

“Beckett wiped his mouth with his wrist. “If you’re planning on fucking me to death, I’m so on board with that.”