Derek Landy

“Are you hurt? Are you injured?" / "No, just a bruise or two. I'm fine, really. You don't have to worry about me." / "Stephanie, you jumped off a building." / "Yes, but the branches broke my fall. Every one of them." / "And how were the branches?" / "A lot unlike pillows.”

“Now, before you begin to worry, the section of the gaol that I’m standing in is completely secure. No problems here. I’m not in any danger whatsoever.”“And the section I’m standing in?”“Well,” he said, “the important thing to remember is that I’m perfectly safe.”Valkyrie sighed. “I’m stuck in here with the bad guys, aren’t I?”“Or you could be glass-half-full about it and say that they are stuck in there with you. Which might make you feel better.”

“I don’t need you sensitive, Skulduggery. I need you aloof and irresponsible and arrogant. That’s why I love you. That’s why I let you hang out with me.”“I’m truly blessed.”She grinned. “You love me, too. Once you admit it, everything will be better.”“They’re about to hook up the Cube to the Accelerator,” he said, and turned and walked off.She followed. “You can’t run from your feelings.”“I can walk from them.”

“You’re seventeen. You’re supposed to be dealing with school and hormones and dim-witted parents. You’re supposed to be finding out who you are as a person.”“But I already know who I am,” Valkyrie said. “I’m a world-breaker.”

“He could be a butterfly dreaming he's a man.""Well, he's not. He's a big fat man dreaming he's a big fat butterfly. What the hell am I supposed to do?" There was another hesitation. "I'm not sure. You don't happen to have a large net handy, do you?" "I want to hit him. I want to hit YOU, but I also want to hit him.”

“Skulduggery.""Fletcher."Fletcher stuck out his hand. Skulduggery observed it for a moment."I'm sorry, what are we doing now?""Shaking hands," Fletcher said. "Like adults. I just want you to know that this past year has changed me. I've grown, as a person. I'm not the same Fletcher you used to know."You look a lot like him.""Well, yeah, but-""And you have the same ridiculous hair.""Can we just shake hands?""Of course we can," Skulduggery said, and they shook. "Now what?""I, uh...I don't really know. What do adults usually do after they shake hands?""Generally, the first thing they do is let go.""Oh, right," Fletcher said, and Skulduggery took his hand back. "So, Skulduggery, how have you been? You're looking well. That's a really nice tie."It's blue.""And such a nice shade."Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie. "You promised me he wouldn't be annoying.”

“The end is now the beginning....”

“Of course I want to kill you," said Skulduggery. "I want to kill most people. But then where would I be? In a field of dead people with no one to talk to.”

“Ravel said. “And I order people around really well. This morning, Tipstaff came over with a cup of tea and I told him no, I don’t want tea I want coffee. That was great. I really asserted my authority.”“Did he go and get you a coffee?”“No, he said he’d already made a pot of tea so I took the tea because, you know he’d already made it, but my authority was still firmly asserted.”Ghastly nodded. “He’ll think twice about making tea again.”“That he will, Ghastly my friend, that he will. What are we looking for, by the way?“Seriously? I gave you the file half an hour ago.”“Yes, you did.”“And did you read it?”“No, I did not.”

“Grand Mage,” Ghastly said, as he put the map away, “did you know the sparrow flies south for the winter?”“What an odd thing to say,” Ravel said, and as he turned, he snapped his palm against the air and Paloma slammed into the wall.”…..“What do you know,” Ravel said, breathing a little faster, “Skulduggery’s silly little code actually works.”

“I also think Valkyire’s ex-boyfriend will come in handy here.”Ravel frowned, “The dead vampire?”Valkyrie glared at him, “I think he means Fletcher.”“Oh. Sorry.”“Caelen was never my boyfriend.”“I didn’t mean to-““We never talk about Caelen,” Ghastly muttered.”“I’m really sorry, Valkyrie, Ravel said. “Fletcher’s great. He’s wonderful. I’m sure he’d be delighted to help, and having a teleporter here will certainly solve some problems. We’ll arrange that, we’ll get him over to you, start the ball rolling, as it were. Once again, sorry about bringing up the vampire.”Ghastly shot him a look whispered, “Why do you keep talking about him?”“I can’t help it,” Ravel whispered back. “Now he’s all I can think about.”“You realise,” Valkyrie said, “that we can hear you both perfectly well.”

“Is that it?”“No. That’s a wall.”“It could be disguised.”“You’re not very good at looking for things, are you?”“I’m good at looking for walls. Look, I found another one.”

“The workshop door opened and Skulduggery emerged. "Ryan," he said, "stop leaning on my car.”

“I think zombies are kind of cute.”“Seriously?”“I may be thinking about bunnies. Which one has the fluffy little tail, zombies or bunnies?”“Bunnies.”“Then it’s bunnies I’m thinking of.”

“We don’t need a cure,” the other zombie said.“That’s right,” Scapegrace nodded.“We’re happy the way we are.”“Happy with the power,” Scapegrace clarified.“Very happy, just the two of us, and there’s nothing wrong with us either. It’s very natural in fact. Nothing to be ashamed of—”“Thrasher,” said Scapegrace, “shut up.”

“I kill a sofa for you and you go and sit in a chair?” Skulduggery asked. “I don’t think you appreciate the sacrifice that has been made for you.”

“We punch people, Valkyrie. That’s who we are. Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.”

“You need to find yourself a new hero." - Skulduggery Pleasant.”

“You say one more thing that sounds like it's ripped from the pages of a really bad gothic romance and I'm out of here, are we clear?" - Valkyrie Cain”

“We're not really intruding," he called down. "This is all a big misunderstanding.""Stop right there!" shouted one of them.Skulduggery held his hand to an ear he didn't have."What's that?""Stop!""Keep going?""STOP!""OK, we'll keep going.”

“This girl (Stephanie) is but a few months away from her seventeenth birthday and already she has saved the world and killed a god. What have you done?”

“Wait, do they even know I'm coming with you?""No. But they like surprises. Almost always.”

“The rain battered the cottage. Valkyrie risked a look up at Skulduggery.“What is it?” she whispered.“It’s a box,” he whispered back.“What kind of box?”“A wooden one.”She gave him a look.”

“Valkyrie patted Fletcher’s arm. “Don’t worry,” she said. “If the bad man comes, I’ll protect you.”“If the bad man comes,” Fletcher responded, “I’ll bravely give out a high-pitched scream to distract him. I may even bravely faint, to give him a false sense of security. That will be your signal to strike.”“We make a great team.”“Just don’t forget to stand in front of me the whole time,” he said.”

“Here she is,” her mum said, cooing at the baby, “my special girl.”“Oh, cheers,” Valkyrie said, rolling her eyes.”

“Mum said earlier what a lovely dress you’re wearing.”Beryl’s eyebrows wriggled like two tiny tapeworms. “This?” she said. “But I’ve had this for years.”It was a beige dress that would have looked better on an eighty year-old. Any eighty-year-old, man or woman.“I think you’ve really grown into it,” Valkyrie said.“I always thought it was a little shapeless.”Valkyrie resisted the urge to say that was what she meant.”

“You think Bernadette Maguire killed him?”“Uh… no. She’s, like I said, she’s old.”“Old people can kill people too.”“I know, but…”“She could be a ninja.”“She’s not a ninja, for God’s sake. She’s somebody’s great grandmother.”“I want you to think carefully about this, Kenny. Have you ever seen her with a sword?”“What?”“How about throwing stars?”“This is ridiculous.”“Have you ever seen her dressed up as a ninja? That would have been my first clue.”The girl sucked in her cheeks so she wouldn't laugh out loud.”

“Look, this is all very, very weird. Why are you focusing on rumours and urban legends? You haven’t even asked me any normal questions.”“Normal questions? Like what?”“Like, I don’t know, like if Lynch had any enemies.”“Did Lynch have any enemies?”“Well, not that I know of, no.”“Then there really was no point in me asking that, was there? Unless you wanted to distract me. You didn’t want to distract me, did you, Kenny?”“No, that’s not—”“Are you playing a game with me, Kenny?”“I don’t know what you’re—”Inspector Me leaned forward. “Did you kill him?”“No!”“It’d be OK if you did.”Kenny recoiled, horrified. “How would that be OK?”“Well,” Me said, “maybe not”

“I love stories with a happy ending,” Inspector Me said.”

“The man had a smooth voice, like velvet. “I’m Detective Inspector Me. Unusual name, I know. My family were incredibly narcissistic. I’m lucky I escaped with any degree of humility at all, to be honest, but then I’ve always managed to exceed expectations. You are Kenny Dunne, are you not?”“I am.”“Just a few questions for you, Mr Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we’ve become friends these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?”“Sure,” Kenny said, slightly baffled.“Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s important you feel comfortable around me, Kenny. It’s important we build up a level of trust. That way I’ll catch you completely unprepared when I suddenly accuse you of murder.”

“Don’t kill me,” he sobbed as he lay there. “Oh God, please don’t kill me.”“If you had let me finish,” Skulduggery said, slightly annoyed, “you would have heard me say, ‘Come out, we’re notgoing to hurt you’. Idiot.”“He probably wouldn’t have said idiot,” Valkyrie told the sobbing man. “We’re trying our best to be nice.”The man blinked through his tears, and looked up.“You’re... You’re not going to kill me?”“No, we’re not,” Valkyrie said gently, “so long as you wipe your nose right now.”

“I need a weapon,” Valkyrie muttered.“You’re an Elemental with a Necromancer ring, trained ina variety of martial arts by some of the best fighters in the world,” Skulduggery pointed out. “I’m fairly certain that makes you a weapon.”“I mean a weapon you hold. You have a gun, Tanith has a sword... I want a stick.”“I’ll buy you a stick for Christmas.”

“Valkyrie Cain got out of the passenger side. She zipped upher black jacket against the cold, and joined Skulduggery as hewalked up to the front door. She glanced at him, and saw that he was smiling."Stop doing that,” she sighed.“Stop doing what?” Skulduggery responded in that gloriously velvet voice of his.“Stop smiling. The person we want to talk to lives in the only dark house on a bright street. That’s not a good sign.”“I didn’t realise I was smiling,” he said. They stopped at the door, and Skulduggery made a concerted effort to shift his features. His mouth twitcheddownwards. “Am I smiling now?”“No.”“Excellent,” he said, and the smile immediately sprang back up.”

“Her father sagged as relief spread through him. “I thoughtsomething awful was happening.”She frowned. “Something awful was happening. It could havegot stuck in my hair.”

“Do you think we’ll be waiting long?” Valkyrie asked,keeping her voice low.“The last time we were in this building, we accused theGrand Mage of being a traitor,” Skulduggery said. “Yes, I thinkwe’ll be waiting long.”

“It’s fairly standard. Also, I’m fourteen. Also, yourbeard’s stupid.”“Isn’t this fun?” Skulduggery said brightly. “The three of usgetting along so well.”

“Scapegrace leaped up. “I am the Killer Supreme! I makemurder into an art form!”Skulduggery hit him again and Scapegrace did a little twirlbefore falling.”

“Have you killed anyone?” she asked quickly.“What? Did you miss what I said, about turning murder intoan art form?”“But you haven’t actually killed anyone yet, have you? I readyour file.”He glowered. “Technically, yeah, all right, maybe I haven’t”

“Stephanie could see the greed seep into the watery eyes of herfather’s other brother, a horrible little man called Fergus, as henodded sadly and spoke sombrely and pocketed the silverwarewhen he thought no one was looking”

“I love you all, even those I don’t particularly like. That’s you, Beryl.”

“Stephanie had no problem doing what shewas told, just so long as she was given a good reason why sheshould.”

“Right, well, we've got to work out what we need. We've got to work out what we need, how we get it, and what we need to get to get what we need.”

“The world is bigger than you know, and scarier than you might imagine. The only currency worth anything is being true to yourself, and the only goal worth seeking is finding out who you truly are.”

“This is your one chance. Tell me where the key is.""Okay."Serpine raised an eyebrow. "Really?""No, only joking. Do your worst.”

“Was it a test?” she asked. “I mean, I know I'm still new to this. I'm still the rookie. Did you hang back to test me, to see if I'd be able to handle it alone?”“Well, kind of,” he said. “Actually, no, nothing like that. My shoelace was untied. That's why I was late. That's why you were alone.”“I could have been killed because you were tying your SHOELACE?”“An untied shoelace an be dangerous,” he said. “I could have tripped.”She stared at him. A moment dragged by.“I'm joking,” he said at last.She relaxed. “Really?”“Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful”

“Every solution to every problem is simple. It's the distance between the two where the mystery lies.”

“I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.”

“And then the Necromancers pulled out their sub-atomic machine guns.”

“I was wondering how you were going to punish me for not confiding in you. Punishment, actually, is something I've thought about for a long time. What form of punishment would be enough for what I did? Imprisonment? Death? Something else? Something scarier? I could only think of so many horrible tortures before they stopped having meaning. But you' you've come up with a punishment I never considered. You're going to sulk me to death.”

“Every human being who has ever lived has the same potential in them for good and evil. Mortal or sorcerer, it doesn't matter. Power has a way of bringing out the worst in people. Mevolent. Serpine. Hitler. Lord Vile. Darquesse. We're all the same.""You just put me on a list with Hitler.""You're going to start sulking again, aren't you?”