Derek Landy

“Oh my god you're thicker than you look”

“He stepped closer to her. "Thank you for saving me," he said softly, and wrapped the bones of his arms around her. Valkyrie smiled and hugged him back.”

“So this," she said, "what's happening and what's going to happen, this isn't your fault. You can't control everything and not everything is your responsibility. At Croke Park you said something about how you don't want to drag me around after you so I can die beside you. I wanted to tell you then, but I didn't have the words and I didn't have the time. I'm here because I choose to be. You save my life. I save yours. That's how we work.""Until the end.""Until the end.”

“The lies we tell other people are nothing to the lies we tell ourselves.”

“That's ridiculous. The only point in having enemies is so you can defeat them, kill them, brush them aside.""Or give them a chance to redeem themselves.”

“Valkyrie walked to the back door, which hadn't been closed properly, shut it and locked it. There was now a baby in the house, after all. She couldn't take the chance that a wild animal might wander in and make off with Alice, like those dingoes in Australia. She was probably being unfair to both dingoes and Australia, but she couldn't risk it. Locked doors kept the dingoes out, and that's all there was to it, even if she didn't know what a dingo actually was. She took out her phone, searched the Internet, found a picture of a baby dingo and now she really wanted a baby dingo for a pet.”

“Still, he figured, sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do, and then sometimes you've just got to run like hell after it's done.”

“Talking about one's feelings defeats the purpose of having those feelings. Once you try to put the human experience into words, it becomes little more than a spectator sport. Everything must have a cause, and a name. Every random thought must have a root in something else.”

“Just because an apple falls one hundred times out of a hundred does not mean it will fall on the hundred and first.”

“Skulduggery stood among the ruins of what had once been a sofa. Valkyrie raised an eyebrow.'I was trying to make up the sofa bed so you could get some rest,' he explained, and pointed to the second sofa across the room. 'Unfortunately, it would appear that that is the sofa bed, and this, apparently, is just a sofa.”

“I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.”

“You are a cynical man, Mr. Pleasant.""We live in cynical times, Miss Cain.”

“It all depends on what people you're talking about helping. That's the wonderful think about just about every religion on the planet - they're all so incredibly selfish.”

“He crouched at the care window and looked in. "What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one." His finger jabbed the glass. "That one's a bit ugly."The American stepped towards him. "What? What did you say?""Oh, don't worry. I'm sure his personality makes up for his face.”

“The fact is that we have no way of knowing if the person who we think we are is at the core of our being. Are you a decent girl with the potential to someday become an evil monster, or are you an evil monster that thinks it's a decent girl?""Wouldn't I know which one I was?""Good God, no. The lies we tell other people are nothing to the lies we tell ourselves.”

“How have you been? You’re still as beautiful as ever.”“As are you, my dear. I love your shoes.”“Aren’t they delightful? I saw them and just had to have them. Their previous owner wasn’t too keen to let them go, but I can be very persuasive when I want to be.”“Is that her blood on the left one?”“And no amount of scrubbing will get it out, either.”

“What do we do now?”“Well, we escape. I’m not sure how yet, but—”“No,” said Valkyrie. “What do we do now? We’re partners. You’re my best friend. I love you. You were my… I looked up to you. What am I supposed to do now?”He turned away. “You need to find yourself a new hero.”

“The problem with living so long is that we get used to it. We watch the mortals age and wither and die around us, watch the world change and decay...but no matter the hardship or the pain or the sorrow we suffer, we choose to continue living. Out of sheer habit, I think.”

“He'd once known a man who said that life hinged on the moment, that everything changed in the blink of an eye. Tesseract knew the truth of that as well as anybody. It was in those moments that he struck, after all, snatching people's lives away. He'd always known that it was only a matter of time before one of those moment's worked against him.”

“Plans are invitation to disappointment.”

“Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.”

“I mean you ACRES of harm,' Dalrymple growled. 'Untold QUANTITIES of harm. I will visit a whole CONTINENT of harm upon you before we are through.”

“You're under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?”

“I find it rude to laugh at a man with a sword.”

“Tanith frowned. Did people still go on DATES any more? She was sure they did. They probably called it something different though. She tried to think of the last date she'd been on. The last PROPER date. Did fighting side by side with Saracen Rue count as a date? They ended up snuggling under the moonlight, drenched in gore and pieces of brain - so it had PROBABLY been a date. If it wasn't, it was certainly a fun time had by all. Well, not ALL. But she and Saracen had sure had a blast.”

“She had been a teenager once, and she knew that, despite the apparent contradictions, a person's teenage years lasted well into their fifties.”

“But I'm really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake.”

“Corrival looked around. 'So is this it? Is everyone here? Erskine, maybe you should start the ball rolling. I have places to go and things to do.''Me?' Ravel asked. 'Why do I have to start it? You're the most respected mage here. You start it, or Skulduggery.'Skulduggery shook his head. 'I can't start it. I don't like most of these people. I might start shooting.”

“Get away from my ex-girlfriend, you moany little whinge-bag.' Caelen took a deep breath, like he was in pain, and stood up. His voice was low, guttural. 'I was hoping I'd get the chance to kill you.' 'You won't be killing anyone, you sad little emo git.''You've stood in the way of our love for long enough.''Just listening to you makes me want to top myself, you self-pitying Paranormal Romance novel reject.'Caelen glared. 'Stop insulting me.''Why? If you cry will your mascara run?”

“They faced each other. 'I'm going to enjoy this,'Melancholia said. 'I daresay I'm not.”

“This is your last chance to do the right thing.''Do you want to attack first, or will I?'Skulduggery held up a finger. 'Do you mind if I confer with my colleague for a moment?' 'By all means.'Skulduggery leaned in towards Valkyrie. 'Damn,' he whispered. 'She's not going to do the right thing.''Did you really think she would?''I was really hoping.''Can we beat her?' Valkyrie asked.'I don't like our chances.''What are our chances?''We don't have any,' Skulduggery admitted. 'Do you think you can take Craven on your own?' 'No.''Me either. Do you want to leave him to me then, and you can take her?''I like that idea even less.''I don't blame you.' She sighed. 'We're going to get killed, aren't we?''It looks likely. Our only hope is a surprise attack.''They're staring right at us.''Dammit.' Skulduggery straightened up. 'We have discussed the situation,' he said to them, 'and decided that it would be in everyone's best interests for me to fight you, Melancholia, and for both Valkyrie and Cleric Craven to stand back and cheer or boo as they see fit.”

“Do you think it would be quite so easy to kill them now that your weapon has been destroyed?' he sneered. 'No,' she said, frowning at him, 'Obviously not.”

“By the way, all joking aside, do I call you Ghastly or Elder Bespoke?' 'You can call me whatever you like.'Vex nodded. 'Thank you, Gladys.”

“You're late,' he said.'I'm beautiful.''You're always beautiful.''I'm always late too.”

“Valkyrie dialed Skulduggery's number and he picked up. 'Hey,' she said, 'It's me.'Skulduggery paused. 'No it's not. If it were me, then I'd be talking to myself, and I don't do that any more. I certainly don't RING myself. That's one of the first signs of madness, and if it's not, it should be.'She sighed. 'Are you finished talking nonsense?''I haven't talked nonsense all morning. I miss it.”

“You want to see safe hands?' her dad asked. He went to the fruit bowl on the side of the table, took two apples and proceeded to juggle them. 'See? Safe as anything.' 'Are you proposing you juggle our newborn child?''Of course not,' he said. 'I'd only be able to juggle her if you'd had twins. Otherwise it would just be throwing.'(...) 'From this moment on, I will be the best father the world has ever seen. Wifey, may I please hold my child?' Valkyrie's mum looked at him suspiciously. 'When you hold a baby, what's the most important thing to remember?''Not to drop it,' he said proudly.'Well, yes, well done dear, but I was thinking more about how you hold the baby.''Ah,' he said, 'Of course. The secret to holding a baby is to pick it up by the scruff of its neck.''You're thinking of kittens.''Pick it up by the ears, then.''You're thinking of nothing.' 'Can I please just hold her?''I don't think that's wise.' 'A lot of things aren't wise, Melissa. Is crossing the road with your eyes closed wise? No, but I do it anyway.'His wife nodded. 'Stephanie, you are in charge of teaching Alice how to cross the road.”

“Just leave her alone. You're annoying her.' 'I'm not annoying her. She doesn't even know how to be annoyed. She's, what, a week old?''She's three months.''She's three months in our years, but what is she in baby years?”

“Life isn't fair,' Skulduggery said. 'In my experience, death isn't so different.”

“We may need to focus here.' 'Right. Yes. OK. Turn around.' 'Are you going to throw something at me?''What? No, I'm getting out of bed.”

“So how are we going to get into the temple, anyway? Are we going to fight our way through the Necromancers on our own?' 'No, we're going to find a way to let our friends in, and then we'll let them fight while we stand by and look smug.''I like that plan.' 'It has its moments.”

“I would love to have a battle of wits with you, Bison, but I doubt it would be a fair fight.' 'Shut your face.''Exactly my point.”

“You're in a bad mood,' Skulduggery said. 'I understand. I do. You're saying things that you don't really mean. It's OK.''I'll kill you both.''Hurtful things said in the heat of the moment. We're not going to hold it against you, Bison. We're all friends here.'Valkyrie nodded. 'We love you Bison.' 'We do,' Skulduggery agreed. 'You're our favourite Necromancer. You're the cuddly one.''Shut up,' Dragonclaw said. 'Both of you just shut up.”

“You're bored, aren't you.''I need constant distraction. Shall we go?''Uh, aren't you supposed to delegate responsibility or something? If you're not here, who's in charge?'Skulduggery looked around and pointed to a sorcerer at the far side of the cemetery. 'He is.''Who is he?''Don't know. He looks like leadership material, though, doesn't he?''Does he?''He's wearing a hat.''And that means he's a leader?''Leaders wear hats. It's to keep the rain off while we make important decisions. He'll do fine.''Shouldn't you tell him that he's in charge?' 'And spoil the surprise?”

“I have sought you out to cure me.''To cure you of what?''Of this cursed affliction.''I cannot cure stupidity.'Scapegrace frowned.”

“He took her hand in his and knelt before her. Valkyrie looked at him. He was serious. (...)'Dude, I'm sixteen.''I love you.''That doesn't make me any older. Stand up.''Not until you say yes.''You're going to shuffle around on your knees for the rest of your life? Stand up, for God's sake.''Be my wife.' 'Shut the hell up.”

“Come on. I know you're not a stupid man.''I'm quite stupid. Ask anyone.''Finbar, are there superheroes living among us?' Finbar snorted with laughter and Kenny started to feel a little thick. 'Superheroes? In tights and capes, flying around? If there were superheroes, Mr. Journalist, don't you think they'd be in New York or somewhere like that? There's not that many tall buildings for Spiderman to swing from in Dublin, you know? He'd have maybe two good swings and then hang there looking disappointed.' 'These people don't wear tights and capes, Finbar.''So they're naked superheroes? That's grand for now, but when the good weather is over they're going to regret it.''They look like us. They dress like us. But they're not like us. They're different.''You,' Finbar said. 'Are sounding very racist right now.”

“I cross the place where my heart used to be and hope to be even deader than I am now.”

“This isn't funny. She was almost killed.''I'm aware. You're waiting to see if I will get angry.''I already know you're angry. You're sitting very still and you're talking very quietly. You're getting ready to kill someone.''I just need a name.”

“I love you.''Yeah, well...''You make my heart want to beat.''That's nice and creepy. But I'm with Fletcher.(...) Also, these proclamations of your undying love for me are getting kind of... it's a bit much to be honest. Just hold back a little.''But my love for you is eternal.''That's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about.”

“I love you.''I'm a little stuck for words here,' she said. 'I'm just trying to get my head around it, trying to find the right way for... Okay, yeah, I have it now. Caelan, cop on to yourself.''But I love you.' 'Here we go.' 'When will you admit that you are in love with me too?''I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good looking and mildly stupid brick wall. Look, I like you okay? I think you're cute. You could probably ease up on the brooding self-loathing, though. That stopped being attractive a while ago. But, I mean, on the whole, I like you, and you like me-''I love you.''Yeah, well...”