Ellen Hopkins

“A best friend is your voice when you can't find it.”

“...and he's wearing some exotic cologne that makes me want to eat him.”

“...life is all about chances. You might be safer not taking any. But playing it totally safe means you're only existing. Not living. I want to live.”

“I'm okay. Except..." God! "I totally want you.”

“Never say never, dear.You might be surprised at what you can do, should circumstances dictate”

“And the scary thing is, I’m on a fast track to that same aviary. Unless I find my wings.”

“It wasn't my first kiss, maybe it wasn't my best kiss, but it was pretty fine, and the fact that he had asked will forever make that kiss stand out in my mind, touch my heart, make me remember a kiss so tender it made me cry.”

“I'm sad. Pressed down by sorrow. I'm angry. Pissed at God, if there is one, and the way things are. I'm scared. Confused by the whys. Why are we here? Is there, really, some intelligent design? Why do we cry for someone who leaves us if there's some Grand Pearly Gate in the sky? Why worry about how we build our lives if the ultimate ending for all is death, a single breath away?”

“I fell into a big pit of black depression. That happens sometimes, when too much shit gets flung at me at once. It's like all the external pressure sucks into me, then tries to escape again. But it can't. So it builds. Throbs. Makes me feel like my skin is anxious to split. I think that feeling is why some people cut - little slices so they don't shred completely.”

“I take four or five heavy steps beyond the front door and Mom comes rushing down the hallway. "Shane! What in the hell-" Now she sees me, in all my dignified glory. I tell her I'm fine. Swear I stuck up for my sister, not an alien but an angel. By the time I get to, "I think I might need stitches," Mom is my mommy. She may have forgotten my birthday. But today she remembers me.”

“Later, Bishop Crandall dropped byThe house to give me a sternreprimand. He sat acrossthe cluttered table,playing with a paper clip.'Your parents are worries about you, Pattyn.'I was worried about myself.But I wasn't about to let himknow it. "Really?"'Really. What have you got to say for yourself? You've always been such a good girl.'Good girl. Sit. Stay. Fetch.Bristles rose up along my spine. "Define good."'I don't appreciate your attitude,Pattyn. Fast and pray. Search yoursoul for the inequities in your life.'"Any inequity in my lifebegan when I was bornfemale. Can you fix that?"'You'll have to fix that yourself,by concentrating on the thingsGod expects of you.'His two-faced rhetoric was pissing me off. "You mean like kissing your ass?"He slammed his hand on the table.'I will not listen to that sort of language. Apologize!'Behind me, I hear Momgasp. But I was on a roll."I'm sorry, BishopI'm sorry I ever believedyou might have somethingworthwhile to say.”

“CommunicationWas never big in my house.We sat together overdinner, but the only soundyou'd hear was crunchingand chewing and the littleones asking for more, please.We lived, all boxed up ininvisible containers. Wehardly knew the peoplewe called sister or father.Jackie and I were theexceptions to that rule.”

“Defiance rose up like vomit.I swung back and yelled,"Don't ever do that again!”

“Concentrate. Level the sight. Breathe in.Ease the trigger. And relax?BLAP! The can somersaulted across the sand.Pride swelled till I thought I'd burst.But my pride slipped at Dad's reality check.Not bad. Pretty good, in fact. For a girl.”

“I felt angry,frustrated.I felt I didn't belong, not in mychurch, not in my home, notin my skin.Amidst the chaos, i feltalone,in need of a friend instead ofa sister, someone detached frommy world.The "woman's role" theorydisgusted me.I would soon be a woman, and Iknew I could never perform asexpected.I was tired of my mom's submissionto her religion, to her husband'ssick quest for an heir,to his abuse.I was sick of my dad, ofreaching forhim as he fell farther awayfrom us and into the arms ofJohnnie WB.”

“You think God would let a girl do something special?”

“Dad staggered in, eyes eerily lit.The corners of his mouth foaming spit.His demons planned an overnight stay.Mom motioned to take the girls away.hide them in their rooms, safe in their beds.We closed the doors, covered our heads,as if the blankets could mute the sounds of his blowsor we could silence her screams behind out pillows.I hugged the littlest ones close to my chest,till the beat of my heart lulled them to rest.Only then did I let myself cry.Only then did I let myself wonder whyMom didn't fight back, didn't defend,didn't confess to family or friend.Had Dad's demons claimed her soul?Or was this, as well, a woman's role?”

“I love the way she feels inthe curve of my arm. I loveher unpretentious beauty,her intelligence, her nerve.But could I ever love her?The concept of falling in loveis completely foreign, somethingI can’t bring myself to accept. Her hair pillows my cheek and her hand on my leg is warm. I care about you, Conner, and I hate to see you hurting. I want to respond but can’tfind the pretty words I need.”

“She's incredible, not that she's perfect. But you once said imperfections create character.”

“The worst liars are the ones everyone thinks would never ever tell a lie.”

“Love is ChocolateThe unprocessed kind. Dark. Bitter.But always with the promise of sweetperfection. All it takes is sugar-that certain someone's kiss, flavoredwith possibility. If Dani has taughtme anything, it's that life is brimmingwith possibilities. Every single daybrings choices.”

“ParadiseA concept embraced by almost every culture. A land of peace and harmony. Some say itdoesn't belong to the earth, that there is no Shangri-la, no utopianwilderness for the living.”

“TransformationIsn't easy when most of the people in your life think you're already perfect, and want you to stay just how they see you. Try to begina new phase, you'd better expectpush-back. Try to create a whole new you, your friend list will shrinkconsiderably.”

“FakeIs that what you areif you choose to improve the basic not perfect you?”

“There will never be colorblindness in a culture offear.”

“...what good would it do toshutter your windows, neverdream of rainbows or find hopein promises? Why choose to walk awayrather than hold your groundand fight for love?”

“Am I more afraidOf taking a chance andlearning I'm somebodyI don't know, or of risking new territory,only to find I'm the sameold me? There is comfortin the tried and true.Breaking groundmight uncover a sinkhole,one impossible to climb outof. And setting sail inuncharted watersmight mean capsizing intoa sea monster's jaws.Easier to turn my back onthese thingsthan to try tjem and fail.And yet, a whisper insistsI need to know if they are oraren't integral to me.Status quo is a swamp.And stagnation is slow death.”

“I can't change what has happened in the past, Kaeleigh. I can only promise to make the future better.”

“But death doesn't scare me. To know exactly when I might expect it, up close and in my face, would actually be a comfort. Because to tell the truth, most of the time dying seems pretty much like my only means of escape.”

“And almost instantly, Daddy made everything seem just fine. Even when it wasn't.”

“A whole big, giant world full of men. Men with blue eyes. Brown eyes. Green eyes. And indescribable shades in between. Tall men. Short men. Skinny men. Built men. And all combinations thereof. Nice men (so I've heard, but never really seen). Mean men. Decent men, indecent. And who knows which is the best kind to have, to hold, to love? I'd say, with so many men in the world, it would pay to sample a few. Scratch that. More than a few. Lots and lots. And then a few more. And maybe, after years of research, you might find one worth not throwing back. But hey, the fun is in the fishing.”

“Kaeleigh, queen of passive, all the time saying no, but not strong enough to mean it.”

“hindsightis gainedthroughexperience”

“The best thing about my mom being sucha bitch is not worryingabout trying to make herproud of me.”

“Fearis a better friend than you, who feel nothing,beneath the weight ofmy pain.”

“Don't you know? We're connectedby an invisible chain. It's very long, verylight. But also very strong. It can't rust.Can't break. And the only thing that can sever it is if you ever stop loving me.”

“When you live afraid of your neighbor, the monster you should most walk in terror of thrives.”

“One Time, One Daybetween Davie and Roberta ,I asked my mom why she persisted,kept on having baby after baby, She lookedat me, at a spot between my eyes,blinking like I had suddenly fallencrazy. She paused before answering as ifto confide would legitimize my fears.She drew a deep breath, leaned againstthe chair. I touched her hand and I thought she mightcry. Instead she put baby Davie in my armsPattyn, she said, it's a woman's role.I decided if it was my role, I'd rather disappear.”

“And this is a kiss like none before, a kiss that could overcome the dark of deep space night. It's a falling star, flame, ice. It's pure as water from a snow-fed mountain spring. This is what you dream a kiss to be. To have a kiss just like this each and every day! How satisfying life would be.”

“I've been alone since my mom met Scott.He sucked the nectar from her heartlike a famished butterfly. No nurture,no nourishment left for Kristina.A vacation is a poor substitutefor love.”

“Cleansed, chlorinated to the point of chemical peel, sore muscles relieved, I felt almost human again. Tiptoe to my room, up a darkened hall, past closed doors, I wondered if I'd ever feel completely human again.”

“I never went to Albuquerque expecting to find love. I thought it had found me there, followed me home. I never came home expecting to lose love in the space of one brief telephone call. Is it always so short-lived?”

“Love is strange. One minute you're jungle fever. The next you're Arctic winter.”

“He has built a pedestal for her so tall that she is afraid to be lifted atop it, because to fall would mean certain death. But oh, she would rise far, far beyond fear and be held by arms so strong, and love so pure, that falling would not be an option.”

“When you've only got one little shimmer of sunshine, you capture it best you can.”

“Everyone's afraid of everybody else...maybe because we're all afraid of ourselves.”

“And the thought of that makes me want to open a vein, experience pain, know I'm alive, despite this living death.”

“Love is for children and dimwads.”

“Grown up? Me? I suppose I have. Killing things, and almost killing myself, must have changed me some, after all.”

“As the old saying goes, "sometimes loving someone means letting them go.”